Thanksgiving in Hawaii

It has been an amazing 6 days here in Kauai.  I  miss my two adult children, but have had to adjust to them being too busy with jobs and school to join us for more than a couple days of vacation since they each graduated from high school.

The last time they traveled with us, was a year ago last August, when they joined us on a Saturday morning to celebrate my in-laws 60th wedding anniversary in Oklahoma.  We flew home together the following day.  Short, but very sweet.

So - while I'm having a blast with my 3 younger children, I am missing my two grown-up children.  McKenzi did tell me that my Sausage, Cranberry, Macadamia Nut Stuffing (made out of Hawaiian Sweet Bread) was the best she'd ever tasted and she doesn't like stuffing.  That and the key lime pie were my favorite parts, although the turkey was delicious, meat isn't my favorite part of a meal.  I'm wondering if I went vegetarian if I'd lose a few pounds. :D

Anyway, I have had some thoughts as we've been here in the islands.

My first trip to Hawaii was my honeymoon with my ex-husband.  I tend to remember the bad times with him more than the good.  My second, was after my divorce was final and a friend from high school whose divorce started and ended in a matter of days even before mine that had been going on for a year finally came to a close.  She worked for Delta as a Reservations Agent, and invited me to fly with her to Oahu and Maui on a buddy pass.  The entire trip cost me about $65.00 in airfare and $25 per night hotel.  I started then, to make new memories.

This is my 7th trip to the islands with the last 5 being the last 7 years.  Trent loves the islands and traveling as well.  I've been to Kauai 3 times, Maui twice, the Big Island once, and Oahu 6 times.  I'm not counting this trip in the numbers because we never left the airport. 

Trent and I are beginning to feel like we can make a few recommendations to others about things to do.  I think the captain of our catamaran tour on Tuesday was a bit offended that he was making recommendations that were different than his own.  We were open to his suggestions though, so we went to JoJo's Anuenue so we could give it a fair chance compared to Paradise Shave Ice in Hanalei.
https://plus.google.com/101319984777047729616/about?gl=us&hl=en
I had the shave ice with macadamia nut ice cream at both places.  I have to say that I actually liked the Bali Hai Shave Ice at Paradise better, but that any of the Shave Ices at JoJo's Anuenue with their cream beat them all.  They packed more ice in the cup and the price was within a dollar less - they had quite a few more fancy concoctions to try at JoJo's as well.  Our captain told us that JoJo sold her name, but not her secret recipe so you won't get the same Shave Ice anywhere but in Anuenue.
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g60612-d1778594-Reviews-Shave_Ice_Paradise-Hanalei_Kauai_Hawaii.html
I love that we are learning about all the best places in the islands.

Our boat tour was also something worth mentioning.  We sat through the "schpeel" on things to do at our condo twice - guess the free fruit and cinnamon rolls were Wepulled into the little town and boat ramp to see rows of parking for other catamaran companies and loads of people waiting for their tour to begin.  We somehow missed the little run down hut at the back of the parking lot the first couple times through.  After a phone call to our concierge, and a stray glance on my part, I discovered the little hut.  We parked and headed toward the hut.  Imagine our surprise when we found the same Hawaiian mumu clad woman inside the little hut.  Can we all say, "Conflict of Interest"?  At least that is what was screaming out at Trent and I.  Our group was relatively small too - our five, a family of four, two older couples, and a family of three. 

After checking in and the other groups clearing out, we took their place to wait for our captain to arrive.... late.  We were both quite concerned.  I have to admit that I entertained the possibility that Captain Ron (old movie) was going to be piloting our craft and we might be regretting our decision.

When the boat arrived, our mumu lady led us to the dock where we removed our shoes, climbed down the ladder and onto our boat - much smaller than the enormous catamarans the other visitors had previously boarded.

But, I have to say that the tour was amazing.  We passed by dozens of boats snorkeling while we headed straight to the Napali Coastline.  Our captain later told us he had been out surfing already that morning.  He started his company, named after his grandparents back in '69.  His grandparents taught him to read the winds and waves.  He said he knew that we needed to go see the coast while the surf was only 2 feet.  He said this time of year, yes, it is winter in Hawaii too, that the surf is usually more around 20 feet with the waves crashing up 100 feet on the cliff side and the caves unaccessible and even the coastline, not visible due to the crashing waves and steam.  He said they had cancelled the day before, and would probably only get out 7 more times the whole rest of the winter season. 

We felt truly blessed.  Add to that, that on our way, a huge catamaran passed us by speeding along and screaming at a school of porpoises - which we got to swim along with and take some amazing pictures of them just inches from us.

When we stopped to snorkel just before lunch, there was only one other boat there - a small raft that held maybe 6-10 people.  We saw some pretty awesome ocean life.  Makes Trent and I both miss our scuba diving experiences.

We have loved having our younger kids with us - but we will focus on the bickering in July when we celebrate our 15th anniversary on the Mediterranean cruise that is on my bucket list.  Trent asked me what I wanted to do for our honeymoon.  In the end though, he wanted the Sandals Resort in Antigua and since his parents were paying for it - who was I to argue...  plus, I loved Antigua and all the inclusive diving and activities.  It was amazing!

But, when he asked me if I wanted to go back for our 15th anniversary, I said no - I wanted my Mediterranean Cruise - and I think, thanks to Disney, and a really good year at work, it sounds like I will get it!

I love my sweet husband.  He did get upset with me for taking the turkey out because my rolls were ready to bake and it slowed down his turkey progress  - but Thanksgiving dinner was no less tasty because of it, and not that much later in the making,,

Anyway, Trent and I have had an amazing life together.  I feel so sad for those whose marriages are struggling or even failing.  I've been through it myself.  I think that the difference, at least in my experience, has a whole lot to do with the things that Trent and I do to keep the romance alive. 

In my first marriage, I don't think a day went by where he didn't call me some horrible name.  I think because of his own insecurities, he had to keep me in my place, or knock me off my pedestal.  I think asking me why I had to go to college, and couldn't be happy being a "normal" person, meaning someone willing to work as a dispatcher or secretary.   My thinking was I wanted to have options and use my brains, and make more money by the hour.

Besides the name calling, lies, pornography addiction, cheating, foul language and being told how often I could pray, if I could hold a calling, and when I would be able to make covenants based on when he was ready, we had to do the things he enjoyed for entertainment and if I didn't do things the way he wanted, he threatened to find someone else who would.

Trent has loved me continuously for just shy of 15 years.  I am not exaggerating when I say that he does not let a day go by where he doesn't tell me just that and that I am beautiful and how blessed he feels to have me.  I tell him the same, but he usually beats me.  I think there's still a part of me that finds it hard to open up completely.

We love so many things together - but traveling is one of the things that have made our life together so full of amazing memories.  I didn't marry him for money - I made more than he did when we married.  But I knew he had aspirations and believed in himself.  If I'd had my way, we wouldn't have bought our vacation club package for $4000.  We wouldn't be in this beautiful 2 bedroom condo on Kauai just 5 years after our last trip and 3 bedroom condo in the islands.

Now he is wanting to get a timeshare.  Again, I think it would be a waste of money, but if we our completely out of debt, house included, then I won't stand in his way.  That day should be here sooner than I ever thought possible.

It isn't about the amount of money we have - we haven't always had that much - it is more about having our weekly date nights, the sweet little gifts and surprises, the words of affirmation.  Trent is easy to please - I make his favorite meals and give him hugs and kisses and he says that is all he wants - I think he really means it too.  At least, he has never seemed unhappy with me for doing just that after he says that is all he wants.

My family will soon be joining me.  I've had a pulsing headache and stomach upset today - even before Thanksgiving dinner.  I didn't want my family to miss out on the beach and snorkeling because of me so I sent them without me.  Sounds like they found us another amazing beach to try out tomorrow!

I thank God for second chances - and that he prepared someone as awesome as Trent for me!

Love,

Valerie

My Memories and a Freebie

I can't believe this many weeks has gone by since I blogged.

www.MyMemories.com has offered me the opportunity to share with my followers The new My Memories Suite Software digital download (a $40 value) free this week only.  Just go to their website and place the Suite in your cart.  Copy and paste this link:  FreeTreatEE49  in the "promotional code" box.  The discount will show up at checkout.

I have to admit, I am taking myself up on the offer and downloading the new software as we speak.  I have used a previous version.  I loved that rather than have to print my digital pages and put them in my scrapbooks, which I could never get all of them out of my house in a fire, I can save the pages to a cd and easily handle grabbing my cd's if I had to get out in a hurry.  Pictures can be set to music as well and viewed as slideshows.  There are tons of options for digital papers and embellishments and it's a great stress reliever too.  I'm hoping to alleviate the guilt I feel about not recording memories as much as I feel I should.  I have tons of paper scrapbooking products I have purchased over the years - I will use those for the pictures I have already printed or had developed -but I am going to be use this software for all the pictures I have not printed on paper, but am afraid I will lose from my phone or camera cards.  Hope you can enjoy it too!

August was a whirlwind of last minute summer events.  After our journey to Napa Valley - which I believe was the last time I took a moment to blog, we flew home on Kylee's 7th birthday.

Grandma and Grandpa Hunt had flown out while we were in Napa and stayed a few days with us.  I had to work part days to make up for missing two of the three required teacher work days because of my niece's wedding events in Washington on the 23rd and 24th of August.

We drove back Sunday night and school began on Monday, August 26th, which was Lexi's 10th birthday.  This year, all 5 of my children began at new schools without us moving homes.  Steven and Chalyse both transferred to the University of Utah from Salt Lake Community College.  McKenzi started Middle School, which is 7th grade in our district.  Kylee and Lexi transferred from Westland to the school I started working at last December.

It was neat that when lunch time came, I was able to sit with Lexi in the cafeteria to celebrate.  She had wanted me to bring a birthday cake for her class.  I was not sure how I was going to handle getting a cake for her after having to drive 10 hours on Sunday to make it home - but we were offered an extra cake left over from the wedding so Lexi got her cake.

It has been a challenge to keep up with the house and yard work and be at school 32 hours a week, but I truly feel like I have the best work situation for my family.  I get to be with my two youngest all day long - not directly, but they usually have an opportunity  to wave at me, or blow me a kiss, or even come give me a hug during the day.  Kylee was able to find me when she hurt her eye on the playground or lost her tooth during lunch last week.

We have figured out that it causes a lot less stress to pay the 80 cents for breakfast, than to try to get something healthy  made for the girls and have them done eating by the time I need to leave for work - so the girls just get themselves dressed, hair done, teeth brushed and we arrive at the school a half hour before school starts.  They go eat breakfast with the other kids - most of the kids of staff at the school are also eating and my girls have become friends with many of them.

After school, Lexi has band Tuesdays and Thursdays until 4pm so Kylee and I hang out in my office while she does homework or helps me color materials.

I have a manageable caseload and enough time to plan ahead.

I love that I work the same days and almost same hours as my kids have school and that I have them with me.  The kids I see are great to work with and I feel like I am changing their lives for the better!  I think my principal placed me well when he put me on the Sunshine Committee.  We are planning to have a family work party in our back yard to celebrate the end of the school year - and I have to admit, there are moments when I find myself looking forward to having next summer off again.  Summer is my favorite season and it has been hard to see it go!

Trent is recovering from his torn rotator cuff surgery (something we didn't know he was having until after the surgery was over.  We thought he was just having a scope to remove some bone spurs.  He woke up to being in a sling, with a pain pump, and weeks of physical therapy to endure).  It hasn't kept him down at work.  Against doctor recommendations, he flew to Virginia 3 days after the surgery to fulfill his previous commitments.  I admire his tenacity and strength.  I don't think I could have handled the pain.

I'm looking forward to getting my stitches out from my own minor surgery tomorrow.  We had a wonderful time at the Fall Ball yesterday!  It's great to have awesome friends and have opportunities to catch up with neighbors we don't see often enough!

Until next time, I'm going to go scrapbook before church!

Valerie

A stay at the Silverado Resort in Napa Valley

I feel like such a lazy bug as I lay here in my bed in my private condo on the golf course at the Silverado.http://www.silveradoresort.com/ awaiting my 60 minute massage at the spa.  Trent surprised me and went to the boot camp work out at 5:30 am.  I'm usually the one to work out while he sleeps.  We reversed roles this morning.  I am thinking of fitting in a yoga class later - I need to get a class schedule.

Trent is off to his classes and I am getting ready to work on writing my book. Something I haven't worked on all summer.

Looks like I will be back at work next week for 2 legislative days at $200 a day, after 4 hours of IPAD training on the 13th.  Then the 19th through 22nd I will be putting in time at work.  I have loved my summer vacation and am sad to have it end!

My in-laws are flying in today.  We got a call last night with the somewhat unexpected news.   I hadn't heard back that they had been able to make arrangements and didn't want to pressure them to come if the flights were too expensive being last minute.  I feel bad that I didn't get things arranged for them before I left.

I did leave some money for Steven, our 22 year old, to purchase tv dinners or the like, but he had given the money away to the neighbor for a fundraiser, before our 2 hour flight had landed in San Francisco.  He figures they'll live on eggs and pancakes - the girls aren't real happy about that.  Grandma and Grandpa will either save the day, or join in with the plan.  I did leave them with plenty of bread, milk, cereal, peanut butter and lunch meat and cheese, mac and cheese, corn dogs, and spagettios.  I don't think they'll starve, right?

So yesterday, our flight landed around 1pm Cali time - 2pm our time.  I hadn't eaten since 8am breakfast - other than the little package of pretzels and a 8 oz. of Fresca on the plane.  I figured we'd grab lunch at the airport.  By the time we took the air train to the car rental place - and let me just say, I have never seen that many people trying to rent cars on a Thursday afternoon in one place.  Apparently, it's pretty standard this time of year.  Enterprise had the shortest line so Trent booked with the right agency.  Even so, we didn't get our car until 3pm which mean I hadn't eaten for 8 hours with the time change (the pretzel snack doesn't count!).  By that time, I was so shaky and weak that the car attendant offered me some of her dried fruit as a snack and gave us directions to the quickest and closest restaurants.  Trent decided, however, that it was 2 minutes out of the way and that we should find something on the way to Napa.  It turned out that this wasn't as easy as he thought it would be and I was feeling quite uncared for since he seemed to care less about me than the car attendant had.

I have decided that when I get feeling like this, that I don't act like my normal together self.  I was so upset with Trent by the time he got off the freeway and got us to this little Italian eatery somewhere between here and there.

I got a vegetarian panini and he had the special tuna spagetti with capers.  The interesting thing to me was that the employee directions were 100% Spanish - the only thing Engish on the instructional signs was "Department of California Public Safety." It was an Italian Restaurant too.  Interesting place, and surprisingly good spagetti.  My panini was awesome with grilled peppers and tomatoes.  I'm still trying to eat healthy!

Dinner was the appetizers at the cocktail meet and greet.  My gingerale and grilled vegetables, mushrooms, hummus and breads were delicioso - but we also had our share of fried coconut shrimp, beef tarts, and egg rolls - so I can't say the meal fare was completely non-fattening!  I am trying hard not to put on weight while taking this prednisone!

I've gotta get some stuff done to help Steven with scouts from afar.

And then, I really do need to work on my book!

That's all she wrote for now.

Adrenal Insuffienciency and what it means to me!

My fasting scare a couple weeks ago, has led to discovering that all my various symptoms actually add up to something.  Imagine that!

The symptoms of adrenal insufficiency usually begin gradually. The most common symptoms are

• chronic, worsening fatigue
• muscle weakness
• loss of appetite
• weight loss

Other symptoms can include

• nausea
• vomiting
• diarrhea
• low blood pressure that falls further when standing, causing dizziness or fainting
• irritability and depression
• a craving for salty foods due to salt loss
• hypoglycemia, or low blood glucose
• headache
• sweating
• in women, irregular or absent menstrual periods

 

I was beginning to wonder if it was in my head and many things I wrote off to a flu bug, or IBS, or going back to work and having difficulty sleeping. 

 

Apparently, my cortisol study results from the hospital last week indicate that my cortisone levels are low.  This indicates that my adrenal gland is not doing its job sufficiently and who knew all that could happen because of that little gland. 

 

I also learned that my Great Aunt had Addison's disease which is caused by chronically lower cortisone levels.  An Addison's crisis can be fatal so it's not something to be untreated.

 

I began Prednisone yesterday - two little pills a day that no matter how fast you try to swallow them, leave an after taste that is horrid.  I'm not thrilled about taking a steroid but am told I won't bulk up or sprout facial hair, but I may gain weight.  Joy!  I hadn't lost as much as I would have liked from this low cortisone stuff, so, not thrilled about that!

 

I follow up with an endocrinologist in a couple weeks when they had an appointment for me.  Hopefully, this isn't a life long, medical alert bracelet kind of thing mentioned in the information I read on line:  http://www.endocrine.niddk.nih.gov/pubs/addison/addison.aspx#special

 

I've been told by 6 different medical doctors and personnel that I should not be fasting.  Apparently the stress it causes my body is too much for it.  The natural man in me is thrilled, but the spiritual one is sad.  A friend recommended just sacrificing something I would normally eat - maybe just eating fruits and vegetables on Fast Sundays or to fast for personal religious reasons.  I think that is a good answer.

 

You hear over the years about getting older and the health issues, but it's still hard to deal with.  Apparently kids have this little problem as well - so I guess I should be grateful that it has taken this long in my life before it was bad enough that I had to do something to treat it.  It honestly could explain all my fainting and dizzy spells over the years, intestinal stuff I've been dealing with and written off as IBS, lower blood pressure. 

 

That's it for my ramblings today!

 

Valerie

 

 

 

 

Heart Health

Fasting has been something that I have done regularly on a monthly basis where we take the money saved on food and give it to charity to help those who are struggling.  Occasionally, we are asked as part of our church to fast for additional purposes.  Our former pastor and neighbor was recently diagnosed with aggressive leukemia and we were asked to join in a ward fast if we would like to.  I was happy to do so.  I've also heard through educational sources that fasting is good for the body on occasion as well.

We were asked to begin our fast at 4pm and close it the following day after church at 4pm.  About 2pm the following day, I began to have symptoms that scared me.  I experienced splotchy vision and a feeling that I might pass out.  I decided I needed to do something for my own well-being and drank some juice and had a few chips.  Following this, my left arm went numb and I had a headache that throbbed, especially if I lowered my head.  After joining the congregation at the church to end the fast, I then ate a normal meal.

The following day, after a regular breakfast of raisin bran, I went to a clinic to participate in a University Study comparing women who had given birth to healthy babies with those who had had babies with cleft-palates. I was part of the norm group, having had 5 healthy babies.  After drawing my blood for future DNA studies, my blood pressure was taken repetitively for 10 minutes.  After which I was told that my blood pressure was low.  I told the nurse that my blood pressure was usually at the low end of normal.  She said, "This isn't the low end of normal, this is very low!"  She mentioned that the lowest reading was 70 over 50 and the other 3 were 80's over 60's.  I had a headache at this time as well, and suddenly I connected that maybe all my symptoms over the past months may have been blood pressure related.

I have had numerous headaches lately, been tired, had blurred vision, and coupled with the symptoms during fasting that may have effected my blood pressure, I decided it was time to see my doctor.  During surgery to remove the tumor on my thigh last month, the monitors went off repeatedly due to low blood pressure.

My doctor is in the process of running numerous blood tests which included a cortisol study that meant I had to have an IV through which cortisol was administered and blood was drawn 4 times with 30 minutes in between.  He said my heart beat is uncommonly slow, my EKG was abnormal (not the first time this has happened), and had 3 vials of blood drawn at the office to check anything that might be related.

I use reading glasses because of my 45 year old eyes, but my far vision has always been excellent.  Lately, I've had blurred vision that changes - maybe due to blood pressure.  I hope we can get this figured out soon, because I've had to consider that with the vision changes, I may not be a safe driver.  If I can't drive, I can't work, get my kids to Jordan Hills, etc. Joy!  I can't imagine losing my independence, especially since I've already lived through 16 weeks of not driving while my right foot was in a boot and my doctor would not clear me to drive.

I've never thought I was above the law and figured it would be just my luck to get pulled over or in an accident if I'm not doing the right thing... so I try to follow the law.  My ex husband wouldn't hesitate to write me a ticket so I figure I'd better live right!

I hope we'll figure things out soon and that it won't be anything serious!

Girl's Camp Survival Stories

My last two weeks can be summed up in two words:  "Girl's Camp."  As the Camp Cook, I have been bombarded with thoughts of food, food, food.  The challenge is to get as close to running out of food as we can, without actually doing that. 

My family and I returned home from Yellowstone on Saturday morning about 1:00 a.m.  After traveling to Provo for my niece's baby shower, it was time to get started on preparation for girl's camp.  I spent the next days planning shopping lists, shopping and cooking Café Rio pulled pork, black beans, cilantro lime dressing, barbecue pulled pork for sandwiches, and taco meat and more.. 

My sweetie pie was kind enough to smoke and cook the chicken for our Chicken Alfredo night, and prepare the 10 pounds of potatoes left over from youth conference by baking them and cubing them  for an easier prep at camp.  Incidentally, my own family lived off of leftovers and frozen meals.  They didn't complain, but I have felt a bit guilty about how that all turned out.

I took a couple  Youth Camp Leaders (YCL's) with me to get the last minute items. Lindsey H. and Aspen are fun and amazing and a huge help!

The other YCL's:  Cassidy and Melissa H. were a huge help at camp.  Melissa came home with me after and helped me unpack and pass our leftovers over to the scouts for their campouts afterward.  I am so impressed.

Funny Stories:

1)  My Zip-line adventure... not!  I have always wanted to do a zip-line - at least since it was "invented."  The idea of zipping through a remote jungle has somehow appealed to me.  So, when I heard that part of the new ropes course was a zip line, I was anxious to be a part of it.

I was even more excited when I realized our group of 8 girls was the first of the morning to do it.  Imagine my dismay as I looked up and realized that the only way to get to the zip line was to tight rope 25 feet across a cable about 20 feet up in the air.  That almost changed my mind. 

Pulling the safety harness up over my incision in my upper thigh from a tumor removal 4 weeks ago, almost caused me to back out, but the pain was almost non-existant, so I arranged it hoping it wouldn't touch that area.

Bro. Burt asked me to assist Bro. Cutler in holding the girls who were harnessed in to keep them safe.  I was his right-hand assistant.  I had to stay to his right, pick up the rope slack and keep an eye on the girl's as they moved across the cable.  They all did.  By the time it was my turn to go last, my neck, from my car accident injury, was aching and again, I was contemplating not making the attempt.

Bro. Cutler then told me that after doing this job for 6 hours the day before, he was already feeling fatigued.  He asked me to go find Anthony, a 21 year old RM, to come spell him.  This was yet another straw on my pile of reasons not to make the attempt. 

The whistle blew, indicating that it was time to change stations and the next group came.  It was at that time, that I was told it was my turn to go.  I made the climb up pretty quickly, took my first step out on the cable and my leg shook so bad from the weight of my body that I wasn't sure how I could possibly make it across the cable.  I grabbed hold of the rope and attempted to turn my body around on the cable to be in a better position to grab the ropes to go across.  In doing so, I got out of balance and to save myself from falling, I sat down on the cable.  Then I tried to pull my body back up.  My neck fatigue and lack of enough upper body strength to pull my body back up was too much.  After only a step out on the line, I was told to lean forward and they gently and slowly lowered me down to the ground. 

It wasn't too  much later that Bro. Burt came to tell me that my 12 year old daughter, McKenzi has bragging rights in our house because she made it all the way across, as did most everyone else!

That's okay, because I'm going to go find myself a zip line that doesn't require any extra effort to get to it and enjoy the ride that this 45 year old body has earned after the surgeries and car accidents!

2)  Memories come alive again:  Okay - maybe this one isn't funny, but it was worth the whole trip!

I had to make an ice run during the first night's devotional, but on day two, I was able to attend.  This event made all my sacrifices as camp cook, well worth it.  The woman who wrote a song that kept me going through my youth spoke about how the song came to be.

Walk Tall, You’re a Daughter of God

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1. Right now I have a prayer deep within my heart,

A prayer for each of you there is a special part.

That you remember who you are and Him who lives above.

Please seek for Him and live His way; you’ll feel His love.

 

Chorus:

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.

Be strong—please remember who you are.

Try to understand, You’re part of His great plan.

He’s closer than you know—reach up, He’ll take your hand.

 

2. Long before the time you can remember,

Our Father held you in His arms so tender.

Those loving arms released you as He sent you down to earth.

He said, “My child, I love you. Don’t forget your great worth.”

 

3. This life on earth we knew would not be easy.

At times we lose our way—His plan we may not see.

But please remember always—please—that you are not alone.

He’ll take your hand. He loves you! He will guide you home.

 

Copyright © 1995, 1984 by Jackman Music Corporation, Orem Utah. Used by permission. All rights reserved. These pages may be copied for incidental, noncommercial church and home use. Arrangements in simplified, solo, and trio available from Jackman Music Corp. (Original version printed April 1979.)

 

I sang this song on the bus ride home from camp as a young girl, crying, knowing that I had never felt the Spirit so strongly before in my life, and wouldn't be feeling it back at home like that.

 

I sang it through my younger sister's terminal illness from an inoperable brain-stem tumor when I was 15 and 16.  She died a week before her 10th birthday and 3 weeks after I turned 16.

 

I sang my babies to sleep by this song.  I love it!  It was amazing to have the woman who wrote it tell us about how, even though she is not a musician, the words came to her as she was to teach a lesson to her group of Young Women.

 

3.  Rock Hard Ground to sleep on.

I didn't get much sleep before camp and even though I hoped that would change once I was no longer losing sleep worrying about forgetting something I needed to bring with us, it didn't. 

 

I was going to bring the sleeping mat I had bought for myself, but my sweet husband, got out the newer mat telling me it was better.  It was so hard, it was like sleeping on the ground.  It was also so hot the first two nights, that I took my extra blanket and folded it in half and lay on it as well.  It helped some, but not quite enough.  It wasn't until I was rolling up my mat to put it away the last day of camp, that I saw the cap I had neglected to take off to allow air to fill my "air mattress" and realized that the whole trip was over and I had been sleeping on a piece of canvas and a blanket!  Go figure!

 

It was an amazing time and I am thrilled to have experienced it with my 12 year old daughter who makes me so proud and even publicly declared that she was glad I was there with her and that I was the person she admired!!!  McKenzi, I admire you so much!  You amaze me with your sweet heart and numerous talents!  And how cool, that you found the bench that Chalyse painted and added her name to with the other Young Women who completed the service project at camp that many years ago.

 

It's great to be home with my husband and other children I missed!

 

Now I'd better get ready for my next adventure!

Post op and Father's Day weekend

I survived surgery to have a presumed benign tumor removed from my thigh yesterday.  As I was being checked in, the registrar said, "Well, hopefully, everything will go okay for you today."  I thought to myself, "Isn't there a better word than 'hopefully' to use at a time like this."  Talk about a non-committal, less than enthusiastic statement!

Not that I was overly worried that I would have complications, but any time you are asked for your living will to give directions for what to do if you end up in some kind of vegetative state, well, you can't help but think about the "what ifs."

The tumor was sent to the pathologist and we will hear confirmation that it is benign.  It was probably the anesthesia talking when I told the nurse through a few escaping tears that my sister had died from a benign tumor that chose the wrong location - her brain-stem - to grow where they couldn't get at it.  I can't help but wonder - having had 3 cysts and now a tumor removed in the past 6 years, if this is just the beginning.  I was told these things weren't hereditary after my sister died... but I'm beginning to wonder. 

Add to this, Lexi coming to me last night crying saying she was afraid I was going to die.  I calmed and reassured her that I was taking care of things so they wouldn't grow or spread and I would be just fine - and I know I will be one way or the other... but it breaks my heart to have my 9 year old wondering.

Anyway, on to the more entertaining events of the past weekend --

Pre-Fathers Day weekend Friday, I begin the morning in the kitchen loading the dishes that my kids didn't quite get to the dishwasher when I hear "drip, drip, drip" at a pretty good rate.  I look under the sink and can see where someone has put a towel, that is wet, a candy bowl is almost full of water and water is missing both the rag and dish and dripping on the base of the cabinet.  I clear out the items under the sink and find a flashlight to see where it is coming from - looks like the actual faucet itself vs. the hoses.  I call Trent and ask if he knows anything about the kitchen sink leaking and he says no.  I ask the kids the same question - after all, someone put a rag and dish there.  No one knows anything.  I propped Big Gulp cup in place.  Trent eventually decides to look at it before we decide to call a plumber and says he has to get back to work so we can leave on our trip. 

Next, I go put up the tent trailer so I can get it cleaned and loaded.  I noticed the previous week when I put it's registration sticker on that we hadn't registered or used it since before it expired in 2011.  Even though it was folded up for all that time, it still had a pretty good coating of dust.  After using 409 on everything, sans cleaning gloves (big mistake) I hooked up the electricity to make sure the fridge was still working, and then the water.  I turned it on, and went back in the trailer.  Water was running on the floor from underneath.  I ran outside to turn off the water at the faucet and it was running along the hoses underneath it.  When we bought it used, we were told it was a 2001.  Trent discovered a year or so ago, when looking for parts, that it was actually made in the 90's.  Looks pretty good for being that old-- the point is, it wasn't fresh out of the factory, hadn't been winterized in all the time we had it - other than maybe the first year, and when I hooked it up to the hose, I wasn't thinking that our water pressure had been increased since we last tested it.  So - it could be one of several or a combination as to why it sprung a leak.  End result - we packed out own water in and did the dishes at the spigot at the Green River KOA.

Our weekend get away was meant to be a try out for the trailer before we take it for 8 days to Yellowstone this coming weekend.  Steven can't go with us, so he will be holding down the fort here at home.

We pulled out of town 6 hours later than planned with the trailer lights not working.  After a stop at autozone and cleaning off the plug, the lights worked fine and we made it to our destination just after 9pm.  My brother's advice worked... he says he always spits on the plug before putting it together.  That worked for us on the way home so maybe there is something to a little saliva!

We saw Goblin Valley and went to Arches with our 3 little girls and Trent in an early Fathers Day gift - a shirt that said:  "DADD - Dad's against Daughters Dating."  He got lots of smiles, compliments and men wanting to join the club.

We had a great time once we got there - even made it to the KOA pool. 

Made it back in time for a Father's Day BBQ at my sister and the father of their baby, Mikul.  He did 3 selections of barbecued meat.  This was really nice - we've gotten into bring your own meat and a pot-luck dish because for awhile there, we were doing most of the hosting.  Only hard thing after my dad arrived, was Pam saying that since our family and my mom like to pray for our meals and they don't, that she was wondering how to handle it.  I had just said my own private prayer to bless the food and express my sadness over the prayer issues before she came over.  I asked if she wanted us to go to a corner of the yard and have a private prayer.  She said no, that we could say it.  I said we didn't want to offend anyone by praying if they didn't want to.  Just about that time, Mikul's female cousin stood up, said they were ready to get started and she would pray.  I thanked her after and told her how much I appreciated it.  Maybe we weren't as alone as I thought!

Trent had a wonderful Fathers' Day other than not hearing from one child.  She was taking care of her bio dad who had surgery to have his gall bladder removed and said she honestly didn't think about it.  I feel for my sweety.  He opened his heart to her the moment they met and she asked him if he would be her daddy.  He has never treated our two oldest any different than the 3 we had together.  Never complained about the thousands of dollars in extracurricular activities they participated in.  We're not perfect parents, but we have always tried to be there for our children and do what's best for them with lots of thought and prayer in our decisions.  My personal experience has been that you don't really get it until you've had kids of your own.

I used to resent my dad for not taking the family on vacations other than 2 weekend family reunions with his brothers each year.  It wasn't until I had my own baby, that I was able to focus on the fact that he never took a vacation or sick day from work, because he was worried about not having enough money to support us if he was unemployed from his construction job in the winter.  Now his body is worn out with arthritis after years of hard manual labor.  He may not be the most genteel, proper, compassionate man  there is, but he was faithful to my mom, and wanted us to be responsible adults.  I think I have been just that.

Anyway, to all our wonderful dads!  To my quick recovery from my surgery - as well as a speedy recovery to my ex-husband.  Thanks to my beautiful children who have been there for me to help me with foot rubs, food and help with swim - oh and the hugs and kisses too!  Thank you to my neighbors who brought dinner last night - sorry about the kitchen covered in dishes, items from under the faucetless kitchen sink!!!

And life goes on!

Cranky Cuss Cuz?

Looking back on the past week, it really has been an amazing one.  I finished my last full day of the school year 4 school days before my kiddos.  Friday was the end of year party at my school.  After bbq hamburgers at 2:00 in the afternoon it was announced that the Sunshine Committee wanted to play a game.  Amazing how fast a bunch of teachers can flee.  At first, I wasn't too keen on the idea myself.  I helped clean up a little and then decided to take a peek in the gym to see who was in on the big event.

Not a whole lot of takers other than the principal, secretaries, those with the game idea, and a handful of others.  My desire to support those with the idea was greater than that to preserve my comfort level, so I decided to join in.  I really had a great time getting to know the group a lot better.  The Special Education teachers were among those who fled the scene the moment the word "game" was mentioned.

We played "Werewolves of Miller Hollow."  I was the hunter, which meant that if the powers that be decided to take me out, I could take someone out with me.  It wasn't until the end that I became the target and either despite my protestations and efforts to move suspicions from me or because of it - I was targeted with 2 werewolves and 1 villager left in the game.  I took out the one werewolf that wasn't linked by Cupid to the remaining villager.  That is, if I had chosen either of the other two people, I would have unwittingly killed both the werewolf and the villager and the only remaining werewolf would have won the game.  As it was, we had a tie between a werewolf and villager.  If all this sounds like nonsense to you - let's chalk  it up to ignorance of the game and not my writing! ;D

I had to order the game from Amazon for nine dollars and some odd cents for Kenzi to play at her 6th grade graduation party next Saturday.  We decided to make it a day of parties with Kylee's birthday party followed by Lexi's birthday party and then Kenzi's graduation party.  And, no, we don't really have 3 kids with birthdays in June.  Steven's really turning 22 on June 10th, but Lexi and Kylee have August birthdays.  Problem is, with the move to my school, all their friends will probably long have forgotten them by August since they don't live by us, and getting invitations to them when they aren't in school becomes a bigger expense and challenge

So then, why am I so cranky, you ask?   Fear of the unknown is plaguing me.  A few months ago I found a lump in my thigh.  I had a cyst removed by my general practitioner about a year before between my neck and shoulder and it has grown back now.  I didn't know who to see for a lump and after talking to my doctor's assistant and having them offer to cut it out for me, I wasn't sure what to do.  Sure, it would save us money to have him do it, but I almost passed out from the cyst and this is quite a bit bigger.  So, I did nothing.  The lump has now gone from something I could feel, to something that is clearly visible and looks to be about the size of an egg.  Last Sunday after Trent getting mad at me and saying he didn't want to lose me and that I needed to get this taken care of (I had also considered the possibility that it could lead to something serious (probably not, but...) so to have him thinking the same thing didn't  help.  Or maybe it did.  I contacted IMC Cancer Center and they emailed me back with an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in sarcomas.  Got my appointment for Thursday.  That's all been moving around in my brain just below the surface at all times.  And sadly, it's effecting my reliability.  I completely forgot that I had offered to usher at  Pioneer Theatre Company for Memorial Weekend with my mom.  She completely forgot too.  Maybe she has to chalk her faux pas to age.

I find myself impatient and short-tempered with Trent when he doesn't remember what I said to him 2 seconds before or isn't listening to me, but deciding how to handle  my problems without my input. 

We went to the temple yesterday.  I had male names that needed initiatory and just female names needing endowment before we have the group ready for sealings.  When given the choice, Trent said he wanted to do initiatory and that he would pick me up in front of the temple when I was finished.  I just missed the session so I was 20 minutes later than he expected me.  When I finally got to the car waiting for  me, not only did he not seem put out, he had gone to Great Harvest and gotten my favorite "orange craisin scones." 

Then, after a graduation party, a trip to Jordan Landing for the girls and arriving back home, we again remembered our desperate need for 9 volt batteries.  He didn't want to go alone, but I still had a newsletter to finish.  I should also mention that I had gone to Sam's earlier in the day and forgot to get them myself earlier.  We had gotten to the point yesterday that 10+ smoke detectors that have begun beeping at us all at once.  To be fair about 4 were going off throughout the house the past couple months, but this weekend, it seemed like they all joined in until I finally couldn't stand the idea of us all dying in our sleep as the house burned down around us.  Unfortunately, out of hearing range, out of mind, because instead of the batteries, I ended up with a whole slough of yard and swim items and no batteries.  So,  even though Trent wasn't thrilled to do it, he showed up with a drink for me when he arrived home.  And then proceeded to replace the batteries.  The house hasn't been this beep-free for months!

That's not to mention the dozen roses he brought me to work last Tuesday saying he knew I needed a pick-me-up,   I am so proud of him when  I see him teach swim lessons and have fun with the kids. 

He has been such a support to me.  I can't imagine what my life would be without him.  Everyone deserves to have that special someone to make them feel cherished and loved.  To all those who have experienced the opposite, I say be patient and don't settle for less!

Memorial Weekend Reflections

Saturday of Memorial weekend, Trent and I were running errands as we drove past the cemetery where my sister and grandparents have been laid to rest.   Can I just say I hate the cemetery.  I hate that 29 years after my sister passed, I still can't help but cry when I think of all that we missed.  I know I will see her again.  I know that she is free of the pain and difficulty that would have been hers had she lived.  This mortal life is not an easy thing to experience.  To me she was perfect and consequently, what 9 year old wouldn't receive all that heaven has to offer.

I have concluded over the years, that it is me I feel sorry for.  I can't seem to forgive myself for not holding her hand the last day she was alive.  I didn't know how close she was to dying.  She spent the day moaning as she lay in the rented hospital bed that had been in our living room for months.

I hated the continual reminder of what was to come.  I just wanted to remember her as she was, a beautiful girl with her long, strawberry blond hair and blue eyes that sparkled.  Not the girl who was now blind, deaf and unable to talk due to paralysis. 

Early on, when we first learned her prognosis was terminal, she had told me she was afraid to die.  I still cling to my faith that what I told her at the young age of 15 is as true today as it was then.  That she would be free of the pain and that grandpa would be there to meet her, to welcome her home.  That she would not be afraid, but happy and at peace.

Maybe that was one of my better moments.  The one that haunts me still is that her last day, I focused more on myself and trying to avoid the pain, than embrace it and her head-on.   I talked to my mom about the moaning and crying.  My mom said, "She just wants to be close to you."  Rather than hold her hand and spend time with her, I stayed in my room with my adolescent interests, trying to drowned out what I referred to at the time, as the constant noise.  By the end of what seemed a day that would never end, I begged my mom to take her to the hospital where she could get something for the pain.  My parents, I think, had wanted to have her pass at home, but decided to take her.

The next morning, we went to school as usual.  When I came home, I noticed my dad's work truck in the garage.  My dad never took a sick or vacation day from work--ever.  I immediately knew that something was up.  I called my aunt who was watching my baby brother to see what she knew.  Rather than answer my question, she told me to hold on.  My mom came to the phone.  I tried to wrap my brain around my mom being at my aunt's and not at the hospital with Becky.  That is when my mom told me that Becky had died in the hospital earlier that day.  While I was home in bed that night, my parents tried to load her in the car.  When she stopped breathing, they had called an ambulance.  She had stopped breathing 3 times on the way to the hospital, but started on her own each time, finally taking her last breath later that morning with my mom at her side.

Even though I knew she was terminal, because of the location of a benign tumor growing in her brain-stem, I still didn't recognize the end.  I didn't take the opportunity to hold her hand or say good bye.  I would like to think that I have learned something from this.  That perhaps this experience has helped me appreciate the fragility of life and increased the number of times I have said something I otherwise would have left unsaid.  Still, I take things and people for granted at times and there is definitely more room for improvement.

Here's to my dear, sweet baby sister, Rebecca  Helen Mills.  I named my baby after you.  You are always in my thoughts.  If you had lived, I know we would have been there for each other.  Mom always said you and I were most alike spiritually.  I like to think we would have been there for each other through thick and thin and would have understood each other, shared the same values and goals and been best friends.  You are one of the biggest reasons I try to be the best person I can be.  I want to be worthy to be with you some day.  To me you are perfect and each day I strive to be worthy to dwell with you in God's presence.

I do not like to think of your body in a grave, but I will put aside those feelings, to take my children there each Memorial Day, so they can feel the sacredness and solemnity and know that I have not nor ever will, forget you.

Colds and Callouses

I am spending my day in bed, nursing a cold.  Trent told me I should read and relax and "stay off the computer", he said.  "Why?"  I had to ask.  "It stresses you out to be on the computer.  Don't do it.  No Computer."  "Nonsense."  I said (well, maybe not those exact words) - and here I am, hours later, typing away.

I began writing my 3rd chapter of  my book - Day 3 of my count down before I moved out in the dead of night to hide out until after my now ex was served with the protective order I had taken out on him.  That got me questioning the order of things and so I pulled out  my journals and began reading...  that, of course, brings back all sorts of memories.  The problem is, I poured out my heart in my journals during the worst of times.  I know there were good times.  I alluded to them and even mentioned that my entries made everything sound so bad with my marriage - but there were good times too.  Unfortunately, they only lasted for a few hours or days.  I mentioned how my first husband would blame me for our problems, and tell me I was weird, that all his previous girlfriends had liked doing this perverse act or that.  Wish I'd known about those girlfriends before I married him.

In just the year of time I covered in my reading, he had locked me out of the house twice, kicked a hole in the wall, thrown a sack of flour at me while I sat at our new computer,  torn the latch off the wall,because I locked the screen door so I could leave the main door open for the breeze and didn't get to the door to let him in in time.  He didn't feel that he should have to ring the door bell or knock to be let in his own house.  He didn't like it when I retorted that he had locked me out two days earlier and I lived here too.  There was a reference to his girlfriend, Samantha,, that at the time he had denied having an affair with (only to admit to it 6 years later after I left him), and threats to go meet up with his other girlfriends if I didn't get my act together (he said it in not so nice words though).  That's not the worst of it, but I'll spare you the details.

When I re-read my journal entries, it is hard not to want to beat myself up emotionally for staying through  such emotional abuse.  I am so grateful for my sweet husband who builds me up continually.  This morning, as I looked in the mirror, first thing out of bed, I commented on the leftover mascara under my eyes, and my funky hair in the words, "Man, I look hashed this morning."  Trent  told me not to say that about myself.  That I was so incredibly beautiful and I should never forget it. 

What a stark contrast from the name calling I received daily with my first husband.

My ex does deserve some points.  He did say, repeatedly in a letter I saved, that it was probably his fault that things were bad between us and that he wasn't blaming me.  He said that some day I would realize it and leave him.  I was a glutton for punishment I guess, because it took me 7 years to do it.

I  marvel how things change given the amount of experience one has.  My realm of experience was so limited then, I couldn't imagine life without Horace (I do believe that is how I've referred to him in the past).  I loved him so much it hurt to think of life without him, even minus his drinking and smoking, swearing, and cheating, and damage to our belongings, including me.  Now, I find it hard to remember why I stayed.  If I hadn't stayed as long as I did, I wouldn't be with my sweety pie now.  I wouldn't have had my two oldest kids.  I wouldn't appreciate what I now have in my current marriage, and I wouldn't be the strong, independent, successful, self-assured woman I am today - even if I do think I look a bit hashed in the mornings!  So - maybe my heart is a bit calloused because of my first relationship and I'm having a hard time getting to the sweet, juicy tidbits of reasons for loving my first husband, but I'm better for it.

PS - That doesn't mean I would wish my experiences on anyone else to teach them what I learned the hard way.  Learn from my mistakes!  Don't repeat them!

Surviving Boot Camp, unwelcome zits and More

Boot Camp:

I attended my first Boot Camp at the 2013 Storymakers Conference in Provo, Utah this past Thursday.  It was a bit intimidating to meet with Abel Keogh and 3 other writers.  We each had about an hour to read our 15 selected pages and then get feedback from the others.  I sat to Abel's right.  He began with the woman to his left.  They knew each other, having both served in the same mission at the same time; Romania, I believe.  Her story was amazing.  She was helping her mother write her memoir about escaping from the oppression beginning just prior to Stalin's death.  It was very well written and gripping.  Abel began with his critique and then we went around the table from his left.  That meant that I got the last turn every time.  The first time around, we had only 3 minutes for me to get my 2 cents in.  Not that I minded.  It's just that everything I had to say had already been said and I didn't feel I had much to add.  Not sure that I added much to our group.  I certainly gained a lot for myself.

The 2nd story was a fantasy taking place in the Garden of Eden with an Arch Angel that gave up immortality to save the day.  We started on chapters 3 and 4.  It was an original idea that I wouldn't have thought of and well written.  I wished I had read the first two chapters because I felt myself lost and trying to make sense of who was who.  I shared these comments in a positive way.

I went 3rd because the man who would have gone third had not copied his pages yet and needed to do this during the break.

I became emotional a few times as I read through the 15 pages.  I got it back together each time, but how embarrassing!  Then I had to wait until after the 30 minute break to hear what people had to say for the most part.  That was difficult.  I started second guessing myself.  I was most shocked to hear the men say they would definitely read it.  I figured women might find it interesting or gripping.  Everyone was hooked and wanted more.  I have a few things I want to change to clarify some questions, but I'm thinking posting the first chapter and asking for feedback would be helpful. 

It was suggested that I swap the sub title and title of my book to:  "Recognizing the Signs of an Abusive Relationship:  Lessons learned in love and loss."

What do you think?

The final critique was of the first two chapters of a murder mystery.  I'm a bit squeamish when it comes to swearing and talk of female gender body parts and pubic hair, so that took me by surprise.  He said he was most interested in hearing my perspective having been in an abusive marriage.  That surprised me.  I do wish that the book could be written without the swearing because after growing up in a home with plenty of it and then my first husband using a swear word or two every sentence, I prefer to avoid profanity.

I love working at an elementary school where I don't hear foul language and to be married to a man, who with his Methodist background and upbringing refrains from swearing.  For me, staying away from profanity is what I need to do to feel the influence of the spirit in my life.  I never want to be without that guidance in my life again.

Conference Highlights:

I have to say that my favorite instructor was John D. Brown.  I found his information applicable and something I could use immediately to help in my writing.  Hannah Bowman, an agent from back east, also gave great information which enabled me to get my whole book mapped out in 15 minutes.

I can now say I have definitely  met my 100 licensure points for my teaching license.  I am now ready to upgrade to a level 2/3 license thanks to my first two years out of college working for Jordan School District.  That means I am completing my 3rd year of working as a teacher.  Yippee!

The other items that stand out to me had nothing to do with the conference, however.  My face breaking out was a huge inconvenience for  me.  I'm 45 years old.  Shouldn't my face start to cooperate by now.  I don't know if it was due to the stress of Boot Camp and needing to be observed a couple more times by my principle last week, or what, but I have to say I'm dreading being seen by anyone today - and I'm usually not that vain!

Finally, spending time with my best friend of over 30 years, Kelli, was amazing.  We giggled hysterically as usual.  We stayed up until the wee hours talking about things I don't think I ever knew about her growing up.  I realize that I may have lost the sister that was most like me to a brain tumor, but Heavenly Father gave me Kelli to be able to be close to.

Mothers' Day:

Mothers' Day has been amazing so far.  It began with breakfast in bed - scrambled eggs, Greek strawberry yogurt and enormous strawberries and watermelon. 

Chalyse had dropped a present by a couple hours before I returned home from the conference.  I waited to open it up this morning.  "Beautiful Day" body spray, lotion and shower gel.  She knows what I like.

Then I had two treasure hunts to find my other gifts.  First - my favorite candybars:  Twix and Snickers and second:  Each clue led to a piece of a charm bracelet - with each charm representing a member of my family with their birth stone.  There was also a picture on the computer - my last stop - of the concrete rounded benches I want for our gazebo where climbing roses wend their way through the metal framework to the top.  Some day, I hope to have electricity to the fountain that sits in the center of the gazebo.  I think it will be a beautiful place to sit and ponder in the summer evenings when things have slowed down and cooled off.

A week of injuries

At this very moment, I am listening to Trent groan as he tries to get dressed to head to Sunday morning meetings.  Yesterday afternoon, as I was working on our new Little Flippers website (I do hope I can get it finished) Steven came running upstairs.  "Mom, dad has hurt himself.  You need to take him to the doctor.  He spurted blood all over me."  My initial reaction wasn't one of shock and dismay, but rather, "Here we go again."  You see, if Trent is working on the yard or a home repair project, you can pretty much guarantee that he will injure himself.  Not all of the injuries have required Instacare or ER visits, but a good portion have.

As I drove him to Instacare yesterday, we laughed about his previous antics.  The highlights include him putting a nail through his hand while building our chicken coop; taking part of his ear off while putting together some shelves for our storage room (13 stitches and me going in to shock as he was stitched up to put him back together that time).  Then there was the tumbling head over heels over the wheelbarrow as he ran pushing a "lazy man's load" at break neck speed where he hit a bump that sent him flying and did literally almost break his neck.

Not to mention the injuries from rugby.  I never did tell him to stop playing.  I just insisted early on playing a sport where he was frequently kicked in the head that we get disability insurance on him.  He quit a few years after that.

At a certain point in life, you begin to question whether you are too old for certain things.  For example, I asked myself that exact question this past Monday.   About the time I was heaving  my body over a blow up obstacle at Classic Skating and came down just as my 6 year olds foot was coming up and booting me in the eye, I was thinking, "I'm too old for this."  After spending the past week using purple and blue eye shadow to try and cover my first ever black eye, I'm thinking I may have experienced my last rodeo.  Who knows, my desire to prove to myself that I'm not that may still win out.

We spent a couple hours getting him stitched up.  He did go down to the bone and had to have internal stitches plus another 8 to close him up on the outside. 

Personal Betrayal, Panic Triggers and Signs of an Abuser

How's that for a title?  Heavy stuff!

So here I am in sunny, warm Austin Texas... well at the moment, it's overcast, but the past 3 days have been so much warmer than where I came from.

Amid the resort pools, spa, abundant food supply, Texas Longhorns and yes, a few bugs, I have been spending my time thinking on "personal betrayal, panic triggers and signs of an abuser."  As I said, "heavy stuff!"

Last Monday, my honey and I went to a counseling appointment with Scott Anderson.  We were troubled about one of our adult children who regularly storms out on us when we say something she doesn't want to hear for various reasons.  We don't realize something we say will offend her until she is offended.  That is, to us, they aren't obvious. Maybe we are clueless.  It isn't that we aren't intelligent folk.  Despite my hubby's Oklahoman drawal, he did graduate Valedictorian from a 5A school and is a Mechanical Engineer.  I, in turn, may not be a wiz at math, but I did gradute with honors with a  Master's Degree in Speech/Language Pathology and have studied human behavior, behavior management and the like.  It seems we can say the same thing someone else says, but when we say it we're awful people. 

There are several things that we learned from Scott Anderson regarding human behavior:
http://www.healthgrades.com/provider/scott-anderson-2lvyp/address#OfficesAndHospitalsPracticesAndOffices_anchor

Personal Betrayal:  This is the term used to describe what we each do the very moment we decide not to take responsibility for our role in something.  After all, it takes two to fight.  At the moment we decide not to take responsibility, we immediately turn to blaming someone else. 

Since we began counseling, Trent and I are both better at taking responsibility for our part in things.  That has helped immensely.  In fact, we have spent 4 days at a resort in Austin and haven't fought once, even with him driving too close to the bumper ahead of us going 80 on the freeway (the speed limit on the toll road we were on) or looking at his cell phone while driving which quite upsets me. 

As I was telling myself that he just didn't care about me after the  upteenth time of asking him to stop doing stuff with his cell phone, or pointing out that if the car ahead slammed on the breaks we would be dead, dead, I changed tactics.  I told myself that if he truly understood what this was doing to me, he wouldn't behave the way he was.  So I shared with him the thoughts that I had been experiencing durirng our 5 of 6 hours of driving from Austin to Dallas and back to visit his sister who had been practically living in ICU for a month and a day.  That's a whole other story...

Once Trent heard that I had planned my funeral, assured myself that the kids would be well cared for by my best friend of 30+ years, that our financial planner had copies of our wills and that my mom would know where to get them and the insurance policies, not to mention having wondered if we actually survived a crash, if we'd end up in the same hospital we were headed to so that Trent's mom, sister and other relatives might visit us and get the word to our family back home, that my stomach was tied up in knots and that I was thoroughly not enjoying myself, Trent actually handed me his cell  phone and allowed me to do as directed as he tried to conduct business most of the way. 

What a difference it has made to take responsibility for things we can control and not blame.  It sure helps with those warm fuzzies!

Panic Triggers:  This is the most valuable thing we learned about through counseling.
Those moments when you go from feeling fine, even happy, to ready to strangle your spouse are the product of what are referred to as "panic triggers."  It's when the fight or flight impulse kicks in.  We were told that the emotion of "anger" actually  masks some other emotion such as fear, sorrow, etc.  Trent and I were able to look at those moments and identify what the trigger was for us and why it is such a trigger.  Now that we each know our own and each other's triggers, it is easier to take responsibility for our own actions and have empathy towards the other person.

For example, Trent often used command forms when talking to me.  Now, I don't know too  many spouses that appreciate being told what they should, need, or ought to be doing by their sweetie pie, but for  me, it wasn't just that I didn't like it, I would go from being happy to ready to fight.  I'm not at all surprised that this is a panic trigger for me after being married to someone who controlled everything from the number of times we could pray a day to the type of music we could listen to, to what I was allowed to do in order to avoid him getting angry with me and making me pay.

Now that we both know this is what is happening, instead of him thinking I'm over-exaggerating or me thinking he's a control-freak like my ex, we are able to talk through the situation.  He apologizes quickly if he triggers panic and I recognize why I'm panicked and can get it back together. 

Trent has his own panic trigger that goes back to an traumatic incident when he was a child.  Learning about these situations has created more empathy and caring for each other and made for a much more emotionally rewarding marriage!

The book Scott Anderson directed us to read that explains panic triggers is "Hold Me Tight:  Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson.  http://www.holdmetight.net/

Signs of an Abuser:  Lastly, as I have been preparing my 15 pages for my Boot Camp experience 2 weekends from now, I was doing a bit of research.  The whole premise of my book is to help others avoid what I did, by being aware of the signs of an abuser before getting attached.  I'm hoping by vicariously experiencing the result of not recognizing the signs and pointing them out, others won't have to go through what I did - or if they are in a relationship like mine, they will know how to get out.  Reading the following helped me understand why it is so hard to see the signs before getting attached: 

"Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence are on the rise, especially among young people. The risk of falling into an abusive relationship is greater than ever.

There are obvious red flags to avoid in a prospective lover, such as angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behavior. Unfortunately, most abusers are able to mask these tendencies in dating. By the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they're already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship."  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

It's a great article.  Wish it had been around back in the late 80s when I was dating!

Enjoy!

Hunt Family Heralds & our Minimum Requirements for a Happy Marriage

Several months ago, Trent and I began marriage counseling.  Our bishop recommended Scott Anderson at ARCH counseling.  He said something along the lines of, "He's used to seeing couples who are on the brink of divorce, so he'll be surprised to see you two."  We were looking for a way to improve our communication skills, but very committed to our marriage.

Just prior to our latest session, Trent and I discussed whether we needed to continue as things were great between us.  When we sat down with Scott, I opened with, "I'm not sure what to talk about today.  The couple times we could have had hurt feelings between us, Trent saved the day by apologizing for his behavior (I left out descriptive words like "rude," or "insensitive"... after all, Trent was sitting right next to me)  (FYI:  Trent is supportive of me including his faux pas in our blog).  I continued, "I couldn't be happier with him or us."  Trent and Scott exchanged high fives and Scott said, "Great.  That means we can get to the fun stuff."

"Fun Stuff," I said.  "You mean there's fun stuff in counseling?  "Bring it on!"

Scott then spoke with us about adding fun family traditions and establishing our minimum daily, weekly, monthly and yearly requirements for our happy marriage.  Another $95 well spent.  (I know!  $95 - but take it from me, that's much better than the $10,000 + 18 years inflation I spent on my divorce from, let's call him "Horace.")

So - on our next Friday night date, we sat down over dinner at Rumbi's and came up with the following minimum requirements and traditions:

Daily Minimum Requirements:

• Words of Affirmation:  Trent has always been consistent with telling me daily how beautiful, talented, special I am to him and how much he loves me.  I tend to show my love more through acts of service.  I mentioned that this was one of the things we needed to continue on our list and he mentioned that he would like me to up my frequency.  You see, I was more of an every other day kind of gal. 
• Goodbye & Hello Greetings:  My friend Kelli had mentioned that at their stake conference in the Tri-Cities area of Washington was devoted to marriages.  The congregation was asked to rate their marriages.  She told me the items.  The area that I thought we could improve on was our Hello Greetings at the end of the day.  I would hear Trent come home, but then he would disappear to the basement tv room, or office computer.  I said I would like him to find me and give me kiss.  He wanted me to commit to not being in our bedroom working on my laptop, until I explained that since my car accident, the adjustable bed is the place where I can support my neck while working on the computer which I admit I'm on quite a bit lately while I'm teaching myself web design using Adobe Dreamweaver and their Classroom in a book, plus taking on-line continuing ed courses in Speech/Language Pathology to meet my teaching licensure requirements, working on the monthly newsletter for church, and writing my abuse survival story.  It's true, I practically live in my bed, which could also explain my insomnia lately.

Weekly Minimum Requirements:

• Date Night:  We've been good at this since we married.  We feel it's a must to be reminded weekly why we married in the first place!
• Couples & Family Council & Planning Session:  We haven't been as consistent at this.  We want to meet Sundays to discuss the coming week, plan and discuss any issues that need to be addressed.

Monthly Minimum Requirements:

• Temple Outing:  We want to make sure we are getting to the temple monthly and be reminded of the promises we made there, not to mention the help we are doing for others that can't help themselves.

Yearly Minimum Requirements:

• Couple Vacation:  This is another one we have been pretty consistent at.  After all, when Trent married me almost 14 years ago, he became an instant dad.  Our time away from the kids for a week a year has helped us stay close and have something to look forward to.  I think we're past due for another Hawaii trip - or maybe now that we have free flight benefits through our son's employer, Jet Blue, and our previously paid for vacation club, I can finally get my Mediterranean Cruise in there.  There's also the frequent flyer miles and Marriott Rewards points getaways too.  The truth is, my joining him on his work trip to El Paso later this month, probably counts as my annual trip and I may not get anything more this year... but you get the point, right?
• Family Vacation:  I grew up in a home where our family vacations were limited to my dad's family reunions.  Not that I didn't love getting together with my cousins, but I would have loved to have gone to Disneyland, or any of the great National Parks in Utah or surrounding states.  My dad worked construction during the good months, and was on unemployment many a winter so we stayed put pinching pennies.  He never took a sick or vacation day.  I used to resent him for that.  Now I know better... but, before Trent and I married, we agreed that annual family vacations were a must.  Even when I quit working, things fell together for us where we got excellent deals on Disneyland vacations that were the exact cost of the unexpected rebate check that arrived in the mail.  This year - I'm hoping for the trek across the nation to see church history sites with a stop over in Oklahoma over the 24th of July for the Hunt Family Reunion.

Hunt Family Heralds:

Scott had mentioned that he had done this with his family.  I don't know what he called his.  We thought about just calling it the "Oscars."  But, I never really liked the name Oscar.  Those who know us, might also know that we come through the Harold Hunt family line.  The morning after our session, I woke up with one of my moments of inspiration and asked Trent, doesn't "Herald" mean something like what we're trying to accomplish?  After he left for work (I had taken the week off of work due to the upcoming Spring Break from school) I looked up definitions of Herald and found this:  "Herald (verb):  To be a sign that something important, and often good, is starting to happen, or to make something publicly known, especially by celebrating or praising it."  Perfect! I thought.

Wednesday I went to a trophy shop and ordered trophies for each of our 5 children engraved with their name, their award for their biggest accomplishment or contribution to our family of the past year, and "Hunt Family Heralds 2013".

Steven:  Gold Cup:  Cup Runneth Over Award
Chalyse:  Bobble Head Girl Graduate:  Independent Status Achievement Award
McKenzi:  Music Trophy:  Beautiful Aura Award
Alexis:  Star Trophy:  Star Entrepreneur
Kylee:  Crown Trophy:  Imperial Cuddlebug Award

Wednesday, April 3rd we dressed in our finest formal attire (the 3 minor children had just gotten Easter Dresses), the minors and I put on make-up and Kenzi went to town on fancy hair styles for us.  At 6:30 pm, all 7 of us surrounded the table for a fancy dinner of Stouffer's lasagna, Pepperidge farm Garlic Texas Toast, and a salad Lexi through together and Fresca and Grape Soda to drink (we don't do a lot of carbonated drinks... gotta save the teeth.

We had a nice time (for the most part) visiting.  The highlight of the evening was the award ceremony.  We had prepared a speech to talk up the accomplishments of each of our children.  Trent then, spontaneously, pulled out a used bottle of "Brittney Spears" perfume and presented it to me as the best wife and mother of the year.

We then adjourned for cheesecake for dessert. 

Overall, it was a wonderful evening and I can speak for 6 of 7 of us that had a wonderful time.  We're definitely going to continue the tradition!

A new Beginning

For years now, I have worked off and on, writing my story of being a survivor of abuse.  Several months ago, my best friend of 30+ years, inspired me to take a few steps to get me back into the project.

1. I reworked my first few chapters of my book and asked my good friend, recently retired English teacher, Janice to read through it.  She told me it was much better than she had expected and other than a few commas, there wasn't much to be changed.
2. I looked up  my local ANWA writer's group and attended my first meeting.  The group critiqued my first chapter.  The consensus was that it was very gripping, excellent writing, and that they wanted more of the relationship with  my daughter and the advice I had for her. I agreed with their advice... and made a few changes.
3. I registered to attend the Storymakers Conference http://ldstorymakers.com/in May and submitted  my first chapter in their "First Chapter" contest.  Results will be announced at the conference, but at the very least, several authors will have read through it and given their critiques.
4. Yesterday I attended the "Write Here in Ephraim"http://shirleybahlmann.weebly.com/write-here-in-ephraim.html conference.  It was amazing! 
5.  I have now made the following goals:
• Write on this blog I set up in 2011!  The question I have is: "Is it worth dredging up my past feelings and emotions that I have all but buried for the most part?  If I can help another person avoid getting in to an abusive relationship or a victim get out, then yes, I believe it is worth the sacrifice.  I hope to find out if there is anyone out there interested in what I have to say.  Abel Keogh, blogger, author and widower, shared during a class he taught yesterday, that he discovered that people don't really care if something bad happened to you.  It's more about what you have to offer that someone else doesn't.  There are tons of people who have gone through divorces.  This weekend, most every woman I talked to had been through their own divorce.    I'm hoping to discover if what I have to say can help or uplift another soul.
• Submit a few short stories to publications I learned about yesterday.
• Join ANWA and see where it takes me .
6. Sonja Herbert made the comment that my book would never get published until I was over any anger and bitterness towards my ex.  I have been over any anger and bitterness towards him for years now. . .except on very rare occasions when he does something that that isn't helping our daughter come closer to Christ and our Heavenly Father.   Those are hardly the same as the feelings I was experiencing when he was trying to stick it to me after I left him or the abuse I experienced during our 7 1/2 year marriage.  And honestly, even the night I left him, I wasn't feeling anger or bitterness toward him, but pain and sorrow and acceptance that nothing I could do was going to change him.  I finally realized that "charity suffereth long" doesn't mean allowing yourself to be abused.  This quote from Aileen H. Clyde, who was serving as the 2nd counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency back when I was going through my abusive marriage gave me a new understanding of what  "Charity Suffereth Long" means. . .

"If charity is not always quick to our understanding, it may occasionally be quick to our misunderstanding. It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others. God’s commandment that as we love him, we must respect ourselves, suggests we must not accept disrespect from others. It is not charity to let another repeatedly deny our divine nature and agency. It is not charity to bow down in despair and helplessness. That kind of suffering should be ended, and that is very difficult to do alone. There are priesthood leaders and other loving servants who will give aid and strength when they know of the need. We must be willing to let others help us."   http://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/11/charity-suffereth-long?lang=eng&query=charity


Thanks to the wonderful ladies I spent Saturday with:  Jeanette & Susan.  I was very happy to learn these things together.  You both inspire me!

Finally, I feel very grateful to have such a wonderful husband who I can learn and grow with.  He doesn't let a day go by without telling me how beautiful and loved I am.  It is so wonderful to feel cherished and adored.  Marriage isn't easy and ours is not perfect, but we are both committed to learning and growing together in creating a Celestial Marriage.  I think we also have much to share about what we are learning to make our own marriage strong and ever lasting.

Until next time...

Valerie