Personal Betrayal, Panic Triggers and Signs of an Abuser

How's that for a title?  Heavy stuff!

So here I am in sunny, warm Austin Texas... well at the moment, it's overcast, but the past 3 days have been so much warmer than where I came from.

Amid the resort pools, spa, abundant food supply, Texas Longhorns and yes, a few bugs, I have been spending my time thinking on "personal betrayal, panic triggers and signs of an abuser."  As I said, "heavy stuff!"

Last Monday, my honey and I went to a counseling appointment with Scott Anderson.  We were troubled about one of our adult children who regularly storms out on us when we say something she doesn't want to hear for various reasons.  We don't realize something we say will offend her until she is offended.  That is, to us, they aren't obvious. Maybe we are clueless.  It isn't that we aren't intelligent folk.  Despite my hubby's Oklahoman drawal, he did graduate Valedictorian from a 5A school and is a Mechanical Engineer.  I, in turn, may not be a wiz at math, but I did gradute with honors with a  Master's Degree in Speech/Language Pathology and have studied human behavior, behavior management and the like.  It seems we can say the same thing someone else says, but when we say it we're awful people. 

There are several things that we learned from Scott Anderson regarding human behavior:
http://www.healthgrades.com/provider/scott-anderson-2lvyp/address#OfficesAndHospitalsPracticesAndOffices_anchor

Personal Betrayal:  This is the term used to describe what we each do the very moment we decide not to take responsibility for our role in something.  After all, it takes two to fight.  At the moment we decide not to take responsibility, we immediately turn to blaming someone else. 

Since we began counseling, Trent and I are both better at taking responsibility for our part in things.  That has helped immensely.  In fact, we have spent 4 days at a resort in Austin and haven't fought once, even with him driving too close to the bumper ahead of us going 80 on the freeway (the speed limit on the toll road we were on) or looking at his cell phone while driving which quite upsets me. 

As I was telling myself that he just didn't care about me after the  upteenth time of asking him to stop doing stuff with his cell phone, or pointing out that if the car ahead slammed on the breaks we would be dead, dead, I changed tactics.  I told myself that if he truly understood what this was doing to me, he wouldn't behave the way he was.  So I shared with him the thoughts that I had been experiencing durirng our 5 of 6 hours of driving from Austin to Dallas and back to visit his sister who had been practically living in ICU for a month and a day.  That's a whole other story...

Once Trent heard that I had planned my funeral, assured myself that the kids would be well cared for by my best friend of 30+ years, that our financial planner had copies of our wills and that my mom would know where to get them and the insurance policies, not to mention having wondered if we actually survived a crash, if we'd end up in the same hospital we were headed to so that Trent's mom, sister and other relatives might visit us and get the word to our family back home, that my stomach was tied up in knots and that I was thoroughly not enjoying myself, Trent actually handed me his cell  phone and allowed me to do as directed as he tried to conduct business most of the way. 

What a difference it has made to take responsibility for things we can control and not blame.  It sure helps with those warm fuzzies!

Panic Triggers:  This is the most valuable thing we learned about through counseling.
Those moments when you go from feeling fine, even happy, to ready to strangle your spouse are the product of what are referred to as "panic triggers."  It's when the fight or flight impulse kicks in.  We were told that the emotion of "anger" actually  masks some other emotion such as fear, sorrow, etc.  Trent and I were able to look at those moments and identify what the trigger was for us and why it is such a trigger.  Now that we each know our own and each other's triggers, it is easier to take responsibility for our own actions and have empathy towards the other person.

For example, Trent often used command forms when talking to me.  Now, I don't know too  many spouses that appreciate being told what they should, need, or ought to be doing by their sweetie pie, but for  me, it wasn't just that I didn't like it, I would go from being happy to ready to fight.  I'm not at all surprised that this is a panic trigger for me after being married to someone who controlled everything from the number of times we could pray a day to the type of music we could listen to, to what I was allowed to do in order to avoid him getting angry with me and making me pay.

Now that we both know this is what is happening, instead of him thinking I'm over-exaggerating or me thinking he's a control-freak like my ex, we are able to talk through the situation.  He apologizes quickly if he triggers panic and I recognize why I'm panicked and can get it back together. 

Trent has his own panic trigger that goes back to an traumatic incident when he was a child.  Learning about these situations has created more empathy and caring for each other and made for a much more emotionally rewarding marriage!

The book Scott Anderson directed us to read that explains panic triggers is "Hold Me Tight:  Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson.  http://www.holdmetight.net/

Signs of an Abuser:  Lastly, as I have been preparing my 15 pages for my Boot Camp experience 2 weekends from now, I was doing a bit of research.  The whole premise of my book is to help others avoid what I did, by being aware of the signs of an abuser before getting attached.  I'm hoping by vicariously experiencing the result of not recognizing the signs and pointing them out, others won't have to go through what I did - or if they are in a relationship like mine, they will know how to get out.  Reading the following helped me understand why it is so hard to see the signs before getting attached: 

"Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence are on the rise, especially among young people. The risk of falling into an abusive relationship is greater than ever.

There are obvious red flags to avoid in a prospective lover, such as angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behavior. Unfortunately, most abusers are able to mask these tendencies in dating. By the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they're already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship."  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

It's a great article.  Wish it had been around back in the late 80s when I was dating!

Enjoy!