Personal Betrayal, Panic Triggers and Signs of an Abuser

How's that for a title?  Heavy stuff!

So here I am in sunny, warm Austin Texas... well at the moment, it's overcast, but the past 3 days have been so much warmer than where I came from.

Amid the resort pools, spa, abundant food supply, Texas Longhorns and yes, a few bugs, I have been spending my time thinking on "personal betrayal, panic triggers and signs of an abuser."  As I said, "heavy stuff!"

Last Monday, my honey and I went to a counseling appointment with Scott Anderson.  We were troubled about one of our adult children who regularly storms out on us when we say something she doesn't want to hear for various reasons.  We don't realize something we say will offend her until she is offended.  That is, to us, they aren't obvious. Maybe we are clueless.  It isn't that we aren't intelligent folk.  Despite my hubby's Oklahoman drawal, he did graduate Valedictorian from a 5A school and is a Mechanical Engineer.  I, in turn, may not be a wiz at math, but I did gradute with honors with a  Master's Degree in Speech/Language Pathology and have studied human behavior, behavior management and the like.  It seems we can say the same thing someone else says, but when we say it we're awful people. 

There are several things that we learned from Scott Anderson regarding human behavior:
http://www.healthgrades.com/provider/scott-anderson-2lvyp/address#OfficesAndHospitalsPracticesAndOffices_anchor

Personal Betrayal:  This is the term used to describe what we each do the very moment we decide not to take responsibility for our role in something.  After all, it takes two to fight.  At the moment we decide not to take responsibility, we immediately turn to blaming someone else. 

Since we began counseling, Trent and I are both better at taking responsibility for our part in things.  That has helped immensely.  In fact, we have spent 4 days at a resort in Austin and haven't fought once, even with him driving too close to the bumper ahead of us going 80 on the freeway (the speed limit on the toll road we were on) or looking at his cell phone while driving which quite upsets me. 

As I was telling myself that he just didn't care about me after the  upteenth time of asking him to stop doing stuff with his cell phone, or pointing out that if the car ahead slammed on the breaks we would be dead, dead, I changed tactics.  I told myself that if he truly understood what this was doing to me, he wouldn't behave the way he was.  So I shared with him the thoughts that I had been experiencing durirng our 5 of 6 hours of driving from Austin to Dallas and back to visit his sister who had been practically living in ICU for a month and a day.  That's a whole other story...

Once Trent heard that I had planned my funeral, assured myself that the kids would be well cared for by my best friend of 30+ years, that our financial planner had copies of our wills and that my mom would know where to get them and the insurance policies, not to mention having wondered if we actually survived a crash, if we'd end up in the same hospital we were headed to so that Trent's mom, sister and other relatives might visit us and get the word to our family back home, that my stomach was tied up in knots and that I was thoroughly not enjoying myself, Trent actually handed me his cell  phone and allowed me to do as directed as he tried to conduct business most of the way. 

What a difference it has made to take responsibility for things we can control and not blame.  It sure helps with those warm fuzzies!

Panic Triggers:  This is the most valuable thing we learned about through counseling.
Those moments when you go from feeling fine, even happy, to ready to strangle your spouse are the product of what are referred to as "panic triggers."  It's when the fight or flight impulse kicks in.  We were told that the emotion of "anger" actually  masks some other emotion such as fear, sorrow, etc.  Trent and I were able to look at those moments and identify what the trigger was for us and why it is such a trigger.  Now that we each know our own and each other's triggers, it is easier to take responsibility for our own actions and have empathy towards the other person.

For example, Trent often used command forms when talking to me.  Now, I don't know too  many spouses that appreciate being told what they should, need, or ought to be doing by their sweetie pie, but for  me, it wasn't just that I didn't like it, I would go from being happy to ready to fight.  I'm not at all surprised that this is a panic trigger for me after being married to someone who controlled everything from the number of times we could pray a day to the type of music we could listen to, to what I was allowed to do in order to avoid him getting angry with me and making me pay.

Now that we both know this is what is happening, instead of him thinking I'm over-exaggerating or me thinking he's a control-freak like my ex, we are able to talk through the situation.  He apologizes quickly if he triggers panic and I recognize why I'm panicked and can get it back together. 

Trent has his own panic trigger that goes back to an traumatic incident when he was a child.  Learning about these situations has created more empathy and caring for each other and made for a much more emotionally rewarding marriage!

The book Scott Anderson directed us to read that explains panic triggers is "Hold Me Tight:  Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson.  http://www.holdmetight.net/

Signs of an Abuser:  Lastly, as I have been preparing my 15 pages for my Boot Camp experience 2 weekends from now, I was doing a bit of research.  The whole premise of my book is to help others avoid what I did, by being aware of the signs of an abuser before getting attached.  I'm hoping by vicariously experiencing the result of not recognizing the signs and pointing them out, others won't have to go through what I did - or if they are in a relationship like mine, they will know how to get out.  Reading the following helped me understand why it is so hard to see the signs before getting attached: 

"Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence are on the rise, especially among young people. The risk of falling into an abusive relationship is greater than ever.

There are obvious red flags to avoid in a prospective lover, such as angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behavior. Unfortunately, most abusers are able to mask these tendencies in dating. By the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they're already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship."  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

It's a great article.  Wish it had been around back in the late 80s when I was dating!

Enjoy!

Hunt Family Heralds & our Minimum Requirements for a Happy Marriage

Several months ago, Trent and I began marriage counseling.  Our bishop recommended Scott Anderson at ARCH counseling.  He said something along the lines of, "He's used to seeing couples who are on the brink of divorce, so he'll be surprised to see you two."  We were looking for a way to improve our communication skills, but very committed to our marriage.

Just prior to our latest session, Trent and I discussed whether we needed to continue as things were great between us.  When we sat down with Scott, I opened with, "I'm not sure what to talk about today.  The couple times we could have had hurt feelings between us, Trent saved the day by apologizing for his behavior (I left out descriptive words like "rude," or "insensitive"... after all, Trent was sitting right next to me)  (FYI:  Trent is supportive of me including his faux pas in our blog).  I continued, "I couldn't be happier with him or us."  Trent and Scott exchanged high fives and Scott said, "Great.  That means we can get to the fun stuff."

"Fun Stuff," I said.  "You mean there's fun stuff in counseling?  "Bring it on!"

Scott then spoke with us about adding fun family traditions and establishing our minimum daily, weekly, monthly and yearly requirements for our happy marriage.  Another $95 well spent.  (I know!  $95 - but take it from me, that's much better than the $10,000 + 18 years inflation I spent on my divorce from, let's call him "Horace.")

So - on our next Friday night date, we sat down over dinner at Rumbi's and came up with the following minimum requirements and traditions:

Daily Minimum Requirements:

• Words of Affirmation:  Trent has always been consistent with telling me daily how beautiful, talented, special I am to him and how much he loves me.  I tend to show my love more through acts of service.  I mentioned that this was one of the things we needed to continue on our list and he mentioned that he would like me to up my frequency.  You see, I was more of an every other day kind of gal. 
• Goodbye & Hello Greetings:  My friend Kelli had mentioned that at their stake conference in the Tri-Cities area of Washington was devoted to marriages.  The congregation was asked to rate their marriages.  She told me the items.  The area that I thought we could improve on was our Hello Greetings at the end of the day.  I would hear Trent come home, but then he would disappear to the basement tv room, or office computer.  I said I would like him to find me and give me kiss.  He wanted me to commit to not being in our bedroom working on my laptop, until I explained that since my car accident, the adjustable bed is the place where I can support my neck while working on the computer which I admit I'm on quite a bit lately while I'm teaching myself web design using Adobe Dreamweaver and their Classroom in a book, plus taking on-line continuing ed courses in Speech/Language Pathology to meet my teaching licensure requirements, working on the monthly newsletter for church, and writing my abuse survival story.  It's true, I practically live in my bed, which could also explain my insomnia lately.

Weekly Minimum Requirements:

• Date Night:  We've been good at this since we married.  We feel it's a must to be reminded weekly why we married in the first place!
• Couples & Family Council & Planning Session:  We haven't been as consistent at this.  We want to meet Sundays to discuss the coming week, plan and discuss any issues that need to be addressed.

Monthly Minimum Requirements:

• Temple Outing:  We want to make sure we are getting to the temple monthly and be reminded of the promises we made there, not to mention the help we are doing for others that can't help themselves.

Yearly Minimum Requirements:

• Couple Vacation:  This is another one we have been pretty consistent at.  After all, when Trent married me almost 14 years ago, he became an instant dad.  Our time away from the kids for a week a year has helped us stay close and have something to look forward to.  I think we're past due for another Hawaii trip - or maybe now that we have free flight benefits through our son's employer, Jet Blue, and our previously paid for vacation club, I can finally get my Mediterranean Cruise in there.  There's also the frequent flyer miles and Marriott Rewards points getaways too.  The truth is, my joining him on his work trip to El Paso later this month, probably counts as my annual trip and I may not get anything more this year... but you get the point, right?
• Family Vacation:  I grew up in a home where our family vacations were limited to my dad's family reunions.  Not that I didn't love getting together with my cousins, but I would have loved to have gone to Disneyland, or any of the great National Parks in Utah or surrounding states.  My dad worked construction during the good months, and was on unemployment many a winter so we stayed put pinching pennies.  He never took a sick or vacation day.  I used to resent him for that.  Now I know better... but, before Trent and I married, we agreed that annual family vacations were a must.  Even when I quit working, things fell together for us where we got excellent deals on Disneyland vacations that were the exact cost of the unexpected rebate check that arrived in the mail.  This year - I'm hoping for the trek across the nation to see church history sites with a stop over in Oklahoma over the 24th of July for the Hunt Family Reunion.

Hunt Family Heralds:

Scott had mentioned that he had done this with his family.  I don't know what he called his.  We thought about just calling it the "Oscars."  But, I never really liked the name Oscar.  Those who know us, might also know that we come through the Harold Hunt family line.  The morning after our session, I woke up with one of my moments of inspiration and asked Trent, doesn't "Herald" mean something like what we're trying to accomplish?  After he left for work (I had taken the week off of work due to the upcoming Spring Break from school) I looked up definitions of Herald and found this:  "Herald (verb):  To be a sign that something important, and often good, is starting to happen, or to make something publicly known, especially by celebrating or praising it."  Perfect! I thought.

Wednesday I went to a trophy shop and ordered trophies for each of our 5 children engraved with their name, their award for their biggest accomplishment or contribution to our family of the past year, and "Hunt Family Heralds 2013".

Steven:  Gold Cup:  Cup Runneth Over Award
Chalyse:  Bobble Head Girl Graduate:  Independent Status Achievement Award
McKenzi:  Music Trophy:  Beautiful Aura Award
Alexis:  Star Trophy:  Star Entrepreneur
Kylee:  Crown Trophy:  Imperial Cuddlebug Award

Wednesday, April 3rd we dressed in our finest formal attire (the 3 minor children had just gotten Easter Dresses), the minors and I put on make-up and Kenzi went to town on fancy hair styles for us.  At 6:30 pm, all 7 of us surrounded the table for a fancy dinner of Stouffer's lasagna, Pepperidge farm Garlic Texas Toast, and a salad Lexi through together and Fresca and Grape Soda to drink (we don't do a lot of carbonated drinks... gotta save the teeth.

We had a nice time (for the most part) visiting.  The highlight of the evening was the award ceremony.  We had prepared a speech to talk up the accomplishments of each of our children.  Trent then, spontaneously, pulled out a used bottle of "Brittney Spears" perfume and presented it to me as the best wife and mother of the year.

We then adjourned for cheesecake for dessert. 

Overall, it was a wonderful evening and I can speak for 6 of 7 of us that had a wonderful time.  We're definitely going to continue the tradition!

A new Beginning

For years now, I have worked off and on, writing my story of being a survivor of abuse.  Several months ago, my best friend of 30+ years, inspired me to take a few steps to get me back into the project.

1. I reworked my first few chapters of my book and asked my good friend, recently retired English teacher, Janice to read through it.  She told me it was much better than she had expected and other than a few commas, there wasn't much to be changed.
2. I looked up  my local ANWA writer's group and attended my first meeting.  The group critiqued my first chapter.  The consensus was that it was very gripping, excellent writing, and that they wanted more of the relationship with  my daughter and the advice I had for her. I agreed with their advice... and made a few changes.
3. I registered to attend the Storymakers Conference http://ldstorymakers.com/in May and submitted  my first chapter in their "First Chapter" contest.  Results will be announced at the conference, but at the very least, several authors will have read through it and given their critiques.
4. Yesterday I attended the "Write Here in Ephraim"http://shirleybahlmann.weebly.com/write-here-in-ephraim.html conference.  It was amazing! 
5.  I have now made the following goals:
• Write on this blog I set up in 2011!  The question I have is: "Is it worth dredging up my past feelings and emotions that I have all but buried for the most part?  If I can help another person avoid getting in to an abusive relationship or a victim get out, then yes, I believe it is worth the sacrifice.  I hope to find out if there is anyone out there interested in what I have to say.  Abel Keogh, blogger, author and widower, shared during a class he taught yesterday, that he discovered that people don't really care if something bad happened to you.  It's more about what you have to offer that someone else doesn't.  There are tons of people who have gone through divorces.  This weekend, most every woman I talked to had been through their own divorce.    I'm hoping to discover if what I have to say can help or uplift another soul.
• Submit a few short stories to publications I learned about yesterday.
• Join ANWA and see where it takes me .
6. Sonja Herbert made the comment that my book would never get published until I was over any anger and bitterness towards my ex.  I have been over any anger and bitterness towards him for years now. . .except on very rare occasions when he does something that that isn't helping our daughter come closer to Christ and our Heavenly Father.   Those are hardly the same as the feelings I was experiencing when he was trying to stick it to me after I left him or the abuse I experienced during our 7 1/2 year marriage.  And honestly, even the night I left him, I wasn't feeling anger or bitterness toward him, but pain and sorrow and acceptance that nothing I could do was going to change him.  I finally realized that "charity suffereth long" doesn't mean allowing yourself to be abused.  This quote from Aileen H. Clyde, who was serving as the 2nd counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency back when I was going through my abusive marriage gave me a new understanding of what  "Charity Suffereth Long" means. . .

"If charity is not always quick to our understanding, it may occasionally be quick to our misunderstanding. It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others. God’s commandment that as we love him, we must respect ourselves, suggests we must not accept disrespect from others. It is not charity to let another repeatedly deny our divine nature and agency. It is not charity to bow down in despair and helplessness. That kind of suffering should be ended, and that is very difficult to do alone. There are priesthood leaders and other loving servants who will give aid and strength when they know of the need. We must be willing to let others help us."   http://www.lds.org/ensign/1991/11/charity-suffereth-long?lang=eng&query=charity


Thanks to the wonderful ladies I spent Saturday with:  Jeanette & Susan.  I was very happy to learn these things together.  You both inspire me!

Finally, I feel very grateful to have such a wonderful husband who I can learn and grow with.  He doesn't let a day go by without telling me how beautiful and loved I am.  It is so wonderful to feel cherished and adored.  Marriage isn't easy and ours is not perfect, but we are both committed to learning and growing together in creating a Celestial Marriage.  I think we also have much to share about what we are learning to make our own marriage strong and ever lasting.

Until next time...

Valerie

Christmas Greetings