Birthday PTSD

 I believe I am over the hump of my Birthday PTSD.  You would assume correctly if you rehearse to yourself the meaning of PTSD as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  You assume incorrectly if you think this has anything to do with the fact that I am closer to 60 than 50. That fact in and of itself can be a cause of stress.  But the "Post" of my disorder started a couple decades ago when one might say I was in the prime of my life.

Without throwing my husband under the bus, let me first say that Trent is the person I give credit for making all my dreams come true.  It may have been a wild ride at times, our 25 years together has been full of fantastic adventures, lots of laughs and eye rolls and a fair share of him succeeding in getting a rise out of me.  

Which leads us back to my Birthday PTSD.  The first signs that Trent didn't give much credence to calendar dates and holidays came early on.  I was leaving on a Singles Cruise on Valentine's Day 1999 (Sunday) and invited him over for dinner the night before departure.  I didn't expect anything big.  We had only been on a few dates after all and we weren't committed.  A dollar box of chocolates would have sufficed.  But he showed up empty-handed and proceeded to attempt to sign me up for a multi-level marketing company.  I left for my singles cruise thinking I would never see him again.  After a bit of groveling and him showing up to my work with a huge stuffed teddy bear with bright red bow as a post Valentines gift, I decided he was worth a 2nd chance despite my co-worker, Susan warning me against it.

I've written about my first Mother's Day with Trent and the value of Re-dos.  With the Valentines and Mothers' Day issues, I had figured out that adhering to calendar dates for holidays and planning ahead weren't a strength.  But some how I thought my birthday would be different.  And for the first years, it was. 

The most traumatic birthday was probably the one where we had planned to take the family to Tepanyaki for dinner at 6pm.  A little backstory is necessary here.  I started several birthday traditions with my two oldest children from my first marriage.  On their birthdays, they get to choose what I make them for breakfast and dinner.  Of the three children Trent and I had together, the youngest two both have birthdays in August.  For the 2nd August birthday, Trent had proposed taking the family to Tepanyaki.  I explained that this would be unfair and against tradition.  It was the kid's choice, not his after all.  He responded that said child would choose Tepanyaki if she knew it was a choice and I pointed out that it wasn't fair to have the other 4 kids limited to a home cooked meal that year and to let Lexi choose a restaurant.  I compromised by saying that he or I could choose a restaurant instead of a home cooked meal.  

So for my birthday without any thought as to where I might like to go for dinner if given the choice, I just suggested we go to Tepanyaki.  I liked it fine and knew that Trent had wanted to go there so I was good.  I checked with my two adult children and Trent and we agreed that 6pm was the time to meet.  Reservations were made and the day looked promising.  A tradition my mom established with me and I have continued with my children is to take me to lunch.  So this day, my mom and I had enjoyed lunch and headed to Kneaders for my free dessert.  We were eating that when Trent called and my birthday trauma began.

Trent had just been invited to a Faculty Student meet and greet at BYU.  He had recently started teaching an engineering class there and felt honored to be asked.  He informed me that our dinner plans needed to be moved to 4pm.  I informed him that I would not be hungry and 4pm as I was still eating lunch and it was after 1pm and that my two working adult children had jobs and would not be able to attend that early.  I was informed that I had to choose between him and my kids from my first marriage.  I was unhappy to put it mildly.  I told him that if the people at BYU knew it was his wife's birthday, they would tell him to take the night off.  The gift I wanted was time with him and his help putting together a barn chicken coop I had found at Intermountain Farmers.  He remained adamant that he was going to the meet and greet regardless of what I decided.  I gave in and we met for dinner at 4pm.  The two oldest kids couldn't come and I took home lots of leftovers because I wasn't hungry.  I have wondered a time or two if things would have turned out differently, if I had chosen to stick with the plan and do what was best for me (i.e., eat dinner when I was hungry and when my adult children could make it).  I wrote it off to a bad birthday and figured it was a fluke.

Not so.  The next birthdays were disappointing.  One included Trent scheduling himself to be out of town.  Another with Trent vetoing my request for crab stuffed salmon from Sam's Club (too expensive) so he made his own stuffing that everyone raved about.  I felt it wasn't that we couldn't afford the salmon (after all, Tepanyaki cost a lot more) so I couldn't get over the feeling I wasn't worth it.  I compensated by purchasing a 4 pack of crab stuffed salmon myself and eating it for the next several lunches.

I learned to make my own plans with my lunch with my mom, going out with friends who also shared September birthdays and celebrating with my kids.  I compensated by celebrating my birthday for weeks before and after the actual day on the calendar.   It was what I had control over and it wasn't that Trent didn't celebrate my birthday - but often the gifts arrived after the big day or he asked if we could choose a different day altogether to celebrate it because he had work plans that conflicted.

Last year, I finally put two-and-two together when he asked me if he could fix me a common breakfast skillet for my birthday dinner and I asked myself, "How did I get here?"  That meal choice was so far off my list of favorite birthday dinner choices that I was appalled with the offer.  I traced it back to days earlier when instead of Trent asking an open-ended question like I do of the kids, (e.g., What would you like for your birthday dinner?) he had asked me, "Would you like me to make you steak for your birthday?"  I tend to accommodate others rather than insist things be my way, so when he asked about steak, I agreed.  He makes a really great steak and I had bought him a sous vide set up so I was game.  It wasn't until he asked about changing the plan from steak to skillet (a potato, scrambled egg, sausage, breakfast concoction we have numerous times a year) that I found myself questioning my state of being.  Steak is not even on my top 10 items I would choose myself.  Possibly due to my dad being a steak and potatoes kind of guy.

This one was on me.  Uggh.  

This year as I serve as the Vice-Regent of a State Volunteer organization, I found myself faced with the decision of whether to speak up when the Regent announced that our next meeting would be on my birthday.  Turning 57 isn't something I'm feeling the need to celebrate after all.  And Trent hadn't said anything about celebrating so was it a big deal to just go along with the Regent's plan?  I chose not to speak up and honestly, put the whole issue out of my mind.  I couldn't remember when the date was and asked the Regent only to be reminded it was on my birthday and I was shocked I had forgotten.  I had to accept that this Birthday PTSD thing is real.

I figured I should let Trent know of the meeting and learned he had plans to surprise me by taking my birthday off of work and spending a couple nights in a hotel.  We head tonight and the plan is to go hiking tomorrow on my birthday, be back to the hotel for the Zoom board meeting, and head home the morning after my big day.  There's a good part of me that is hoping for an amazing birthday with nothing to add to my PTSD but enough room still exists for me to brace myself for the possible birthday trauma-causing fiasco.

Stay Tuned!

The Cost of Deceit

A year ago, I set a goal to pitch one of my books at Storymakers 2021 and I did it!  I just pitched The Cost of Deceit to Samantha Millburn, Managing Editor at Covenant Communications and I am ramping up my on-line presence as suggested.

I have my book out to test readers.  Let me know if you would like to be one!

Enjoy Chapter One as it now stands!

Chapter One

 

As the American Airlines Embraer approached the runway into the small airport in Lawton, Oklahoma, my mind wrestled between the initial feeling of arriving home again, and the horror that this thought could ever find place in my heart.  It’s just that this land seemed harsh and dangerous compared to my roots.  In Utah, you had to really look to find a dangerous insect, but at the farm in Indiahoma, scorpions actually came up to the front door with their curly venomous tails poised to strike patiently, waiting to be let in.  And I’ve seen my fair share of roadkill in Utah, but here tarantulas scurry and snapping turtles meander across the road left and right as we drive what feels like forever to get to civilization.  It feels like I’ve gone back in time 50 years when I visit.

 

Oklahoma was not my place of birth.  Far from it.  I was born and raised in good ole’ Salt Lake City, Utah.  But in the past year, I counted up the days I had spent in Lawton and was shocked to realize that they added up to one-third of my year.  “Get it together girl.”   I rid myself of the thought with a bit more positive self-talk.  “It’s just for a few days and you’ll be back to 2016.  You’ve got this chickee.”

 

This time, my husband was with me, as he should be.  After all, we were there to visit his parents.  This was his place of birth, not mine.  I had come alone in the past, spending up to three weeks at a time, caring for my in-laws.  They both suffered from COPD which they both earned from years of smoking before finally kicking it just before I entered the picture 16 years earlier.

 

While my mother in-law, Collene, suffered from recurring bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia, congestive heart and kidney failure, my father in-law, Harold, was in his third battle with lung cancer.  This time, it didn’t look like he was going to make it out the victor at least with body still intact.

 

In fact, our reason for this visit in March 2016, was because the report from my husband’s only sibling, his sister, Lisa, was that Dad had stopped eating and getting out of bed.  It seemed that death might be imminent, and we opted to fly rather than drive the 19 hours this go-round.

 

After the plane landed and the boarding stairs were wheeled into place and locked, we deplaned and walked into the small terminal.  This one-man-band show was complete with the same employee who docked the air stairs in place, lifting the gate to the baggage claim and begin placing our suitcases, none to gently, on the stationary shelf for us to retrieve. We then headed the few strides to the curb where we were picked up by cousin, Patsy.  Getting us situated was a real family affair. 

 

Lisa was otherwise engaged and had been for the past two years, when her partner, Deb, had succumbed to a brain aneurism.  It wasn’t actually the aneurism that took her mobility, but the treatment following the precarious operation.  Deb’s blood supply was hooked up to a pressure machine to keep the blood flowing through her veins and arteries and as more often than one would like, the treatment found another weakness in her brain and an artery in her speech and motor areas blew.  Deb’s survival was a miracle in and of itself, but be that as it may, she required 100% care and Lisa had her hands full.

 

Cousin Patsy dropped us off at the Brentwood Assisted Living Facility on Lee Blvd and then headed 20 minutes west to their small home in Indiahoma where she had moved in to take care of Aunt Colleta, Mom’s 86-year-old identical twin sister.  They lived in Indiahoma proper.  The farm I knew too well, was another 12 minutes past town on bouncy dirt roads that seem to never end.  Trent once thought it was a great idea to let our oldest daughter drive a couple years before she was eligible for a driver’s license.  He warned her that if an animal crossed in front of her, hit the gas because if you slowed down, you’d certainly do more damage to the vehicle and its occupants.  She was a quick learner apparently.  She took out a poor doe who was minding her own business.  The truck didn’t have a mark on it though. 

 

We walked up to the back entrance and punched in the 4-digit key on the pad, which had not changed since our visit a few months earlier. 

 

Our son, Steven’s flight benefits had come in handy with our frequent visits.  Stand-by flights were hit and miss, but more often than not, we were able to make it from SLC to DAL and then on to LAW for a fraction of what we would have paid otherwise.

 

I felt the somberness of the occasion as we made our way down the papered hall.  The cascade of roses and deep green foliage blended well with carpet.  It was dated, but not dreadfully so.  I sensed that sometime in the past decade, someone spared no expense to make the place a show piece.  The owners had changed hands about the same time my in-laws became residents.  I had flown out sans Trent to take care of Mom and Dad while we made arrangements, even helping them move in when it became apparent that they could no longer take care of themselves.  As I said, Lawton was feeling more like home than I was comfortable with.

 

After passing 5 doors, we arrived at number 108 marked unmistakably with the orange and white Pistol Pete door sign that announced the OSU fan club behind the door.  We knocked three times, before showing ourselves in.  The scent of stale coffee permeated the room overpowering any body odors or musty scents that might have otherwise made themselves known. Mom remained seated in her recliner in the far corner of the room as we entered, waiting for our hugs as though they were a given… because they were.  This routine had long since been established.  I placed my computer bag and coat down on the couch while Trent set down our luggage and went to give Mom a hug and kiss to her forehead.  Dad was within hearing distance in the only bedroom just to the left of the entrance into the apartment.  We both made our way to him as he laid in his adjustable bed just inside the doorway.

 

“What’s this I hear about you not eating or getting out of bed?”  Trent wasted no time getting down to the purpose of this visit.  He just needed to give his dad, what’s for.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if it worked.  Trent would tell Dad he needed to fight this disease and he would jump up and join us for dinner in the facility restaurant.   It usually worked.  His parents often did just what he asked (demanded is more like it) and I would sit back, watching, appalled at how Trent could tell them what he wanted, and they seemed to jump to it.  I had never dared try that approach with my own mom and dad.  It felt disrespectful to my way of thinking.

 

“I don’t feel like it, Trent.”  Dad responded to Trent’s appeals to eat.  I gave Dad a hug and stood back while Trent worked his magic.  I glanced around the room, looking for any changes since my last visit,  finding none.  The breathing machines, scattered magazines, and medical instructions left over from doctor’s visits and oxygen deliveries were not new to me.  When I started feeling like a third wheel, I excused myself to the living room preferring to let father and son hash things out.  I figured it could only go on so long and it wouldn’t be long before Trent’s stomach won out and we were headed for supper.

 

I long ago accepted that I think too much, especially when visiting Lawton and killing time.  For example, it wasn’t long after my in-laws moved into the Brentwood that I discovered that the evening meal was “supper” a word my dad had been known to use to describe one of our meals growing up.  I never quite understood it then and no one else but my dad used the term.  After all, we lived in the big city, if Salt Lake City could be so qualified.  New Yorkers, hold your tongue.

 

The menu at the Brentwood included breakfast in two shifts at 8am and 9am, dinner at noon and one and supper at 4pm.  I was used to my three meals of the day being breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I was fixated on making sense of this term “supper,” eventually concluding that supper was to lunch in the north as supper was to dinner in the south.  That is, the farmers had their heavy meal (or dinner) in the middle of the day after the morning’s heavy chores and the lighter meal, supper in the evening before retiring early to bed.  I surmised that Southern Utah, while to most would not be considered “the south” at least as far as the term supper was concerned had found a home in my paternal line.

 

“How are you doing, Mom?”  I gingerly asked as I made my way back to the sofa.  I loved my in-laws, but the terms of “Mom” and “Dad” never came quite as easily off the lips as they did for my husband with my parents.  I was interrupting Gun Smoke.  When we visited, the television was always on, even when we left the apartment to walk the walk to the dining room.  I so hoped that when I reached my 80’s, I found more to do with myself than watch Bonanza and Golden Girls reruns, not that they weren’t entertaining the first time around.  I just wasn’t a fan of re-runs from any genre, but especially ones from before I was born.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my in-laws.  They were the best!  Compared to my first set they were my guardian angels. Harold and Collene were all about making my life easier and loving their grandkids.  When I was having our babies, they would fly out and spend 10 days two or three times a year.  I loved their visits.  They came to lighten my load, doing my dishes, mating my stray socks, babysitting so I could get to my to-do list.  

 

Lisa had never given them grandkids, although Collene seemed not to have given up hope, despite Lisa being well into her 50’s.  I remember thinking to myself that Mom had lost track of Lisa’s age when Collene made the comment a few years earlier, “Lisa better get to it, or she won’t be able to have kids.”

 

I assumed Mom maybe didn’t realize that Lisa and Deb weren’t equipped that way.  Now I wonder, maybe she knew more about it than I did, but at the time, other ways of them getting kids didn’t enter into the picture for me.

 

As I crossed one leg over the other and thought and fidgeted I debated about how many minutes I needed to wait before I pulled out my MacBook and opened up my browser.  I had long ago discovered the internet password and my computer new the way.  I glanced at the magazines and open package of half-eaten crackers on the end table complete with the old plastic mug that was a static fixture.  My in-laws drank coffee non-stop from morning to night.  The temperature didn’t matter.  Luke-warm was as good as hot to them.  At least that is how my husband described it.  It wasn’t that we didn’t talk, but the talk seemed to be about items on the surface.  I longed to make use of these precious moments we had left, to share and record memories that I knew would go with them to the grave.  It was hard not to feel that the time glued to the T.V.was a waste, but I felt powerless to do anything about that.  Most of my questions were answered, willingly, but succinctly.

 

As I sat there, thinking about what I could do to fill the time while the television droned on, I thought about my father in-law.  Harold had the genealogy bug.  When I first met him, he came to church with us and was thrilled to learn that one of our Sunday School classes was on genealogy.  Something his Methodist Congregation in Indiahoma did not offer. 

 

That may be why our parents hit it off so well when the two couples met at our wedding.  My mom felt her reason for existing was to find her lost ancestors.  I grew up typing my own copy of the family pedigree charts, writing my own history and helping her in writing her story.  Harold and my mom shared that love and the four-some had made it a must to go off on their own adventures each visit.  After helping me non-stop for days and days, who was I to complain when they would announce that they had made their own plans to go for a drive to the Golden Spike for the day with each other and I wasn’t invited.  I loved that my parents and Trent’s loved spending time together.  My parents were a decade younger than Trent’s, but they had a lot of things in common.

 

Harold and I loved talking genealogy, after all, his discoveries were my discoveries, and I wasn’t a huge fan of putting the puzzles together.  I loved it when he would share that he had found yet another great in the line of great-great-great-grandparents.  It turned out there were twins on both sides of the family.  Not only the McLinn line evidenced by my mother in-law’s identical twin status, but the Hunts had Job and Joab born on the same day to the same parents in their family line as well. 

 

Trent and I had decided we were done adding to our own family after suffering two miscarriages just as I was entering my 40’s.  The first appeared to be fraternal twins that didn’t progress, and the second loss was termed fetal demise.  We decided my eggs were no longer viable and we should stop trying for a boy of our own.  I had given birth to three beautiful girls and we loved them dearly.  I’d like to say it was an easy decision.  It wasn’t.  Silly thoughts like the end of Grandpa Byron Hunt’s family line dying out, or Trent’s fated hope of having a son to follow in his wrestling, football blocking, rugby scrumming footsteps had run their course and we had accepted that our only son would be the one I brought with me into our marriage along with my daughter, Chalyse.  Five kids was plenty to raise and although Steven wasn’t into team sports, he was an awesome son we were so proud of.  We had the opportunity to attend plenty of sporting events to watch Chalyse cheer her heart out and wave her pom-poms.  My two had graduated to adulthood and I was loving being a mom of elementary and middle school kids.  I had spent my fertile years anticipating the possibility of having twins.  My sister had given birth to fraternal twins and with the trend on Trent’s side, I figured it was always a possibility that never came to fruition,

 

After I made small talk for what seemed the appropriate amount of time and Trent came back into the living room and took his seat in his father’s recliner, I fired up the computer.  It had occurred to me that when Harold passed, I would be the only member of the Byron Hunt & Valiera Hasty tree to continue his work and that had me a little worried.  As I thought, I also considered Collene’s line.  Other than her identical twin, she had 4 older siblings.  Her mother had died when she and Colleta were only 5 years old.  She told stories of standing on chairs to reach the sink at that young age being in charge of doing the dishes and making sandwiches to feed Grandpa McLinn and the older siblings when they took their break from working on the farm.  I couldn’t imagine how hard that must have been for the preschoolers.  I had met Aunt Deronda and Uncle Kenneth and his wife, Aunt JoAnn.  Uncle Gary, the first blind lawyer in Oklahoma had died of diabetes several decades earlier, before Trent was old enough to remember him.  I realized then, that I had never met Uncle Delmar and, in fact, rarely heard much about him or that branch of the tree.  With that, I googled Delmar McLinn and to my surprise, an obituary popped up.  It turned out that not 9 months earlier, Trent’s oldest cousin in that line had died.  All eight siblings and their spouses were listed as well as that Delmar had preceded her in death.

 

“Mom, how come I have not met your brother Delmar at any of the family events over the years?”

 

“His wife didn’t like us.  She was jealous of how close we were and didn’t want him spending time with us.” 

 

“Oh.”  I didn’t quite know what to say, other than, “That’s too bad.”

 

My mind kept working.  Before coming across the obituary, I didn’t have the names of this line.  It was almost like I had stumbled across a gold mine, at least as far as genealogists were concerned.  I did not consider myself a genealogist, still considering them a group of retirees with nothing but free time on their hands.  I wasn’t sure I was ready to come out of the closet on that one.

Poisonous Green Potatoes

 The other night I sat at my kitchen table eating Sunday dinner with my husband and two teenage daughters.  It amazes me how quickly things can go South.

I had almost finished my skillet - a delicious concoction of scrambled eggs and cheese over country sausage, sweet and yukon gold potatoes and onions - when Lexi discovered a potato edged in green.

"Dad, there's a green potatoe in my food.  You do realize that green potatoes are poisonous, don't you?" She said with her condescending tone earned from completing 3 of 4 quarters in culinary school during this, her junior year in high school.

"Green just means the potatoe was above the earth and got a little sun.  It's fine."

"No it isn't.

Meanwhile, Kylee, the 14 year old googles green potatoes to determine that they aren't actually poisonous.  She shares her new knowledge proudly, much to Lexi's chagrin.  The three of them continue bickering back and forth and I decide it's time to depart as the conversation has taken a steep decline.

Five minutes later, I return to find that the 17 year old has manipulated her dad into turning on the 14 year old by changing the topic to earlier int he week when the 14 year old who was being bossed around decided to stand up for herself by threatening to take her sister's clothes out on the back lawn and torch them.

A line that should not be crossed I'll grant you, but I could totally understand why the 14 year old felt the need to go there.

Against my better judgement,  I gave in to my husband's request to address the situation by refereeing.  I told  the 17 year old who said when she turned 18 in September, that she would have to move out because she no longer felt safe in her own home that maybe her brother would have room for her.  My husband quickly jumped to her defense.  It was the 14 year old that needed to move out.  

Since he spent 60-80 hours a week at work, he didn't see the fighting that I did and I did not think that one kid was to blame over the other.

I got it all worked out with my husband admitting that he had been hoodwinked and I pointed out to my daughter that it was much better to say "I want a relationship with you but we need to do better" rather than I don't want a relationship with you ..."

Help Me!

How to survive a pandemic.

The beginning of January, when I was listening to someone speak at church, she shared about her aunt that was putting together a family book of inspirational stories and she had been pondering what story to contribute. I had the thought, "You should do that for your family." and I knew that was in regards to my dad's side. Although, as I have seen all the positives that have come since then, I am thinking I should do the same for my mom's side of the family... Fast forward to the last day of February 2021. Every week I choose a story from those contributed - a different branch each week - and email it out to the family members I have emails for. Today, I actually started a blog to post the weekly emails so family can see them in one place. Family has mentioned how they look forward to reading the stories each week and how they cry (aka feel the spirit). Each week, more stories come in and I am so touched. Each one is absolutely perfect. Why? Becauser even though none of us are perfect, to share a piece of yourself in a story - that shares what you believe to be important and is meant to inspire another soul, is perfect. As I have lost myself in this project and been able to share a little with my family, I have felt such joy and even appreciation for a pandemic. In wanting to get my mind off of the bad things in the world, I have been reminded, through these stories, of how much good there is in the world to outweigh the bad.

Reading, Writing and Arithmetic

So, of the three subjects in the title, I have been doing a fair share of reading and writing lately.  Reading self-help on relationships, fiction as a way to help me in my writing, scriptures as a way to help in life, but also to support my daughter who is on week 4 of her Missionary Training at home during the Covid-19 pandemic of 2020 and finally, reading my mother's diaries as I chronicle them in preparation for my writing her story.  Besides writing summaries and details of daily events in my mother's life in the late 1950's and 60's, I am writing my memoirs - with the first her memories in her own voice and mine in my voice - does that make it a memoir or something else altogether - and then there is the writing of my own journal entries, especially with the events of a pandemic and a daughter leaving on a mission, a new grand baby, and a hubby who always keeps me on my toes.  And then, I suppose, the final bit of writing is for social networking, blogging and all. 

And that brings me to "arithmetic" in this title.  I can't begin to count the number of times I have forgotten passwords or which email is associated with which blog and how to log in to this website or that.  So - even though I was an A student in math, I'm well out of practice, I leave most of it up to my engineer husband and really need to learn to take note of these things... but on the bright side, I only opened up this blog as I was trying to find my swim lesson blog - little flippers - it's that time again, people are posting and asking for lessons and we aren't at all sure we will be doing much.  Kenzi is heading to Baton Rouge, LA in 2 weeks for her temporary reassignment while she waits for Spain to open its borders and grant her a Visa to serve her mission there.  Lexi is waiting for the opportunity to take the Water Safety Instructor Course that was scheduled for April, but with the Rec Center closed, we are in limbo waiting for it to be rescheduled.  Which leaves Trent and his two days a week for 8 weeks during the summer.  I think he is already mostly booked and I have yet to look at the new inquiries...  And now I will try again to find that blog.  Depends on which email I have open...

Always an adventure... next time I'll try to be more entertaining!

Lucky Seven?

Trent and I spent last weekend getting a tune-up.  Tomorrow we celebrate 20 years since we said "I do."  As I mentioned  my weekend plans to an interested party, I qualified my plans by saying that after 20 years, a tune-up was a good idea.  Her response:  "That's a good idea for every year of marriage."  I tend to agree.

We found ourselves among 8 other couples also in attendance for the same Gottman workshop - but surprisingly, we were the longest married couple there. 

Some of the things I learned:

• In a conflict it takes 8 positives to cancel out a negative.
• In every day intereactions, it takes 20 positives to one negative to fill the love tank.
• The four horseman of the apocalypse, according to Gottman, are:
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stonewalling

(When Trent asked what you do if you have a Ph.D. in all four, I felt so appreciative that he recognized it in himself.  We had been asked what our go to horseman was - our weapon of choice.  I am guilty mostly of Defensiveness as I feel criticized a lot and I respond with defensiveness and counter criticism and contempt.  Trent agrees that I don't stonewall.  Even if I try to follow his example, I can't help but talk.  This would not be a surprise to the professionals.  Stonewalling is definitely more a man thing than a woman thing.  At least that is what they said!)

• The way a conversation starts is the way it will end.  If it starts with criticism and anger, it will end that way too.  Soft start-ups when broaching a complaint is the only way to go.
• Love Maps - keeping up with our partner's lives.  Trent has spent the last 19 of 20 years not wanting to talk to me about his work day (which incidentally starts early in the morning and often ends after I have gone to bed).  He has definitely made an effort to include me the last year and since hearing at this workshop how important it is that he do that, he has been open to giving me something to ask him about.
• Wearing rose colored glasses.  We see what we choose to see.  We talked about leaving love notes for our spouse describing the things that we appreciate about them and thanking them... NOT for them (although if their love language is words of affirmation it will fill their love tank) but for us, to help us see them in a positive light.
• We need to have each other's backs.  Not only do we need to know what each other is going through, they need to feel we are there to support them - even if we think they are getting their just desserts, we don't say it.  We empathize with them as they share the hard things they are going through.  Trent has struggled with empathy before this workshop - but he now has a list of empathetic responses and is doing a great job of expressing empathy.

• One of the things emphasized in the book is that it is not good (or maybe even really bad) to start solving a problem before both parties feel understood.  Trent, being a guy, has been pretty immediate at trying to solve my problems and it makes me pretty mad at times.  It was awesome to have the presenters point out that you should never give UNSOLICITED (that is not asked for) advice.  If your conversational partner does not ask you what they should do, your advice will be unappreciated and most likely unheeded anyway so don't waste your breath!

There were many other things we learned and activities to do that we can continue to work on.  But as we left, we were given a gift - a free book by Emil Harker entitled:  You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness - Seven Communication Skills of Successful Marriages.  You too can get this free book by visiting Emil's site.  

So this last year I have studied (among other things):

• Stephen Covey's:  Seven Habits Series
• John & Julie Gottman's Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work 
• Emil Harker's Seven Communication Skills of Successful Marriages

I am so excited by what I have learned and after applying the habits, principles and communication skills in my relationships, I can truly say that they work at bringing down contention.

I could say so much more about Communication as that is my field of expertise, but I will save that for another day.

Until next time,

Valerie

Time for a Twenty Year Check up

As my sweetie and I approach our 20 year wedding anniversary in a few weeks and have passed a lot of other 20 year anniversaries in the past 6 months:  (First Date, First Kiss, First Trip, First almost Elopement, First Fight, etc.) I have been looking at where we have been, where we are and where we are going.  What do we have to show for this past 20 years?

We have raised three kids to adult hood - when Trent and I married, my two children from my first marriage were 6 and 8 years old.  Add twenty years to that number!  We then added three more children to our family and recently saw the oldest graduate from high school and will soon be helping her move out as she begins her college years.

The realization that we only have five years to go before we are empty nesters makes me want to grab hold of my 12 and 15 year olds and never let them go!  They will be having milestone birthdays in less than 2 months!  What amazing girls they are!  All of our children, including our recently added son in-law make us very proud.  We look forward to adding another generation to our family tree in December with the expected arrival of our first grandchild - with the recent ultrasound indicating a boy on the way, it feels more and more real.

But back to my checkup - marriage is hard - at least making sure you are both happy, keeping the romance alive, and not losing yourself in the process.  I had been feeling like we were in a rut, that I had in many ways sacrificed my dreams to raise my children all the while supporting my husband while he actively pursued his with my support.  I don't regret being a stay at home mom for the 15 of the past 20 years.  In fact, after going back to work for 3 years, I was thrilled to be able to quit work and just be at home.  Sometimes it seems the kids take me for granted and expect that I make their school lunches, breakfasts and dinners, bring their forgotten items, and run them to and fro, but I am so glad that I can be there for them.  I trust that they will appreciate me when it's their turn - and just in case, I tell them on a probably too regular (at least for them) basis that they will appreciate me when they become mothers.

In this state of mind, I started looking through the recommended relationship advice books for information to help have the best of marriages and came across the Gottman's book:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. and have just finished reading both.  I have only been able to share a small part with my hubby.  He does not like to read and has very little time to give me... hence chapter 1 in Ten Lessons:  "All You Ever Do Is Work" really caught my attention.  Ten lessons uses the principles in the first book, but also gives dialogue before and after couples received direction from the Gottman's on how to discuss heated areas differently.  It made me so much more aware of the negative things my hubby and I do when working through conflict.  The Gottman's point out that it is common for all of us to do those things, but when we do them regularly, we get caught in a "negative sentiment override" where we lose sight of all the positives about each other and quickly assume the worst about our spouse when we have these discussions. 

As Trent and I have made an effort to first understand each other's feelings about the issue before beginning to problem solve, and to discuss the issues without getting defensive about things that are said - by looking for our partner's longing in the message rather than feeling criticized or attacked (even when we may be getting criticized) we can quickly turn the argument around. 

The Gottman's say they can tell the outcome of an argument in the first 3 minutes depending on how the issue is presented - was a soft start-up used or a harsh one and whether the 4 horsemen were present (defensiveness, criticism, disdain towards the partner and stonewalling - refusing to listen to your partner).  They also say that when "flooding" occurs - they don't use these words, but when the logical brain turns off because fight or flight kicks in as evidenced by biological changes (increased heart rate, adrenaline, etc. then it's time to take at least a 20 minute break to become calm and rational again.  We need to be able to tell our partner's we are flooded and allow our partners that time to calm down.  If we can do these things, we can better deal with conflict.

That is not all - we need to know and support our partner's dreams, appreciate the great things about our partners, etc.

I have tried to apply these principles and am excited for our upcoming Gottman workshop where Trent might also get more involved in this process.  He did say something about finding a mp3 audio of the book that he might listen to.  He asked if he should wait until the workshop or get it now.  Since I have already read the books, I think it would be awesome to have him join me in this!

I find it very fitting that the weekend before our 20 year anniversary, we will be at the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work in Draper Utah.  I'll let you know what positive changes I see in our marriage - and what positive changes I see as I share the info with my children... we learn how to relate to our future spouses in our families.  Maybe I am not too late to teach them so that they can have happier marriages.

Valerie

Another Milestone passed

This late am, I drove our newly graduated daughter, Kenzi, to a friends that she will be traveling with for 10 days.  It isn't as independently adventurous as it sounds.  She is traveling with her friend's parents and siblings.  But it will be a lot of fun for her and it is the longest we have been apart since she was conceived.

I had a chance to talk to Kenzi yesterday, before graduation.  I told her, "Our goal as parents was to raise a daughter who was not entitled, who worked hard,  knew the value of money and how to spend it carefully and save it."  I told her that we had more than accomplished that.  I also mentioned that she probably won't realize that we had anything to do with it until she is a parent of her own children. 

The spirit testified to me this earlier in the day as I was pondering that Kenzi thinks we have done nothing for her.  She doesn't realize all that we have done because her expectations that we should be doing more have everything to do with her friends having so much handed to them without having to work for it.  She brought up the same friend she is traveling with, has a free trip, a free new car her parents gave her, clothes and hair color and lashes, etc.

We gave her $1200 cash for graduation that she could spend on what she wanted... but she paid $1200 earlier in the year for a lap top because she did not want to wait.  And she paid $600 to go on this trip.  We bought a new car for Trent so Kenzi could have a car to drive, but Trent did not want to give it to her - and when I brought it up, Kenzi said she didn't want it either, because it isn't what she wants.

Regardless, Kenzi is amazing and will succeed in what she decides.  It was nice to have a moment yesterday to share my thoughts with her.  And to put it on the blog today before I forget.

Graduation is worth the Grind

So yesterday was the first event to lead up to the actual big day:  Thursday, May 30th, when Kenzi graduates from Skyridge High School.

I had asked Kenzi over a month ago if she worked Memorial Weekend.  She did not.  I then suggested we have a girl's date including getting mani pedis with her sisters to get ready for graduation and she agreed to keep the day open.  I then updated Chalyse as we had discussed the possibility of doing a surprise party and sent out invitations through Facebook events with people arriving at 11:45 am and our showing up after our mani pedis at noon.

I then went to England/Scotland on my 10 day trip  and returned home only to have Kenzi tell me that she had taken a shift at work on Saturday from 11 to 5pm and that I had never told her to keep the day open.   I asked her to trade the shift to no avail.  She said she was shadowing her only time prior to working independently as a Head Guard at the Lehi Outdoor Pool.  So - since she wasn't willing, I changed the time to 5 pm and sent out emails and texts to everyone after updating the event.  I was thinking she would arrive home from work and we would yell surprise.  But, a few hours later, she told me I was wrong and that she was not off at 5pm, but 3pm.  (Apparently, they work until 5pm if the facility is reserved for a late night party and the evening shift is consequently longer.  Otherwise, they are off at 3pm - something that was pointed out to me after I questioned the "misunderstanding.")  Meanwhile, in talking to Chalyse, she let me know that she also had talked to Kenzi about the mani pedis in the morning from our first plan and that I definitely had talked to Kenzi and she definitely had committed to our plan...  See why I may be on the verge of insanity here?

Anyway, Kenzi suggested going for mani pedis after she was off at 3pm and I quickly realized this could make for plan C to fill in the two hour difference from my most recent Evite.  I scheduled 5 mani pedis at a salon in Highland for 3:30pm and then got back to Kenzi telling her 3:15 was the time so she would need to take a change of clothes and go straight from work and not chance coming home and seeing our party preparations.  But after talking with Chalyse, she didn't want to take chances of Kenzi coming home on her own.  She called Kenzi and told her she would pick her up from work and they would go straight to the salon.

The other thing that I did to prepare for the party (besides the shopping for food items, and decor, I talked to Kenzi about her gift.  We had agreed earlier in the year to give her cash because she wanted a new laptop and didn't want to wait.  Because we are not raising entitled prima donnas, but children who understand that they need to work for what they want, we told her she could purchase a computer herself then and and then for graduation we would give her money. We would have given her a laptop as a gift as she headed off to college or money towards a Senior trip possibly.  I got $1200 cash (which is $100 for 1st-12th grades) and then remembered our family tradition...

My mom was given a cedar chest for graduation as was I.  We gave Chalyse a cedar chest as well.  So I found a cedar chest for $50 and got it for Kenzi, placing the cash inside.

Trent had the cedar chest in the basement with the guests waiting to surprise her.  It worked like a charm and she had no clue.  She said we deserved academy awards for our acting as we kept throwing around ideas for dinner after mani pedis and the need to go pick up Ethan and Dad - but first needing Kenzi to take a look at the gift we had got her in the basement.

We had lots of our family friends present, and my parents, Lisa and Deb had driven out from Oklahoma, Pete and Angie had flown in from Spokane Friday and we had spent the evening at their hotel having pizza and playing Phase 10 (a card game).

I got her the cutest graduation cake.  She was touched that her friend's mom came, but hurt that her friend, who had been iffy on going to St. George, opted to go with another friend in their group instead of coming to the party.  She did send out a group chat inviting their friends to come.   I had asked Tyra, a Jr. and swim team member who had offered to help me put together the swim team slide show, to spread the word.  She did and came herself.  One other team member showed up after he got off work.  Otherwise, no other friends came.

It makes me sad for her, but I can relate.  She is a lot like me.  We are pretty particular about who we let in to our hearts, not wanting to be hurt.  Because of that, we don't have tons of friends, but a few closer ones.  And her few closer ones aren't acting like very good friends - there are numerous examples of things that have been done and said that don't leave much room for confusion because I would totally want to give the benefit of the doubt and when I have suggested this to her, she has proceeded to give me more examples that refute my reasoning.

Anyway, love my family and love that we pulled off a successful surprise party and that we had lots of loved ones come.  Their presence was so appreciated!

Valerie

The Daily Grind

So much of what we do day in and out is exhausting... Some times you have to think hard to find the beauty of life - especially after almost a solid month of rain - which is not typical of Utah.   But despite the gray skies and difficulty getting my garden planted, I am grateful for the cold temperatures that mean melting snow won't flood the valleys, that we will have the water we need and that the summer forest fires of recent past, may not be seen this coming year.

We are experiencing the final days of the school year.  In another week, I will have more adult children graduated from high school than still at home.  I will also only have 4 more years of schooling before we are empty nesters.

I was listening to Trace Adkins:  "You're going to miss this"  yesterday.  Made me cry - because it's so true and as I gear up for graduation events for Kenzi, and listen to Chalyse share her excitement at being newly married in her new home and thinking of future babies, it really hits home.

We have mani-pedi's scheduled for we girls tomorrow and I hope a fun day with family and friends.  Hoping lots of friends!

Family!

A renewed investment

I just returned from 11 days in Northern England and Scotland.  The 2nd trip (2017) there in addition to a trip to Southern England (2016) with my son, Steven and my mom.  We visited locations that our ancestors had lived, been baptized, married, and died as well as Etzel Castle, once owned by the Lindsays. 

I encouraged Steven to start blogging as he has so much information about history, geography, and in particular the United Kingdom and WW II.  I spent the time while we were traveling, in the back seat while I let my mom take the navigator seat to help Steven as he drove.  I read or listened to books including "Insights" about President Nielsen, a biography on Elder Eyring, "Isaiah for Dummies" by John Bytheway, and a bit of a book by Virginia Pearce.  I felt that I pondered and replenished my spirit.

I have struggled to keep a journal consistently.  Then after suggesting Steven blog, I thought with Kenzi graduating and moving out to go to college in a few months, Chalyse married and a baby on the way and Steven out on his own, and hopefully blogging, I thought why not set up pages for each of the kids so that we can share info as our family changes and grows.

I don't like being on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I'm back in high school.
So with that intro - here is my journal of today's events.  I think the posts will be daily, but succinct:

Today, I stocked us up on groceries, made CSE shakes for breakfast and CSE chowder for dinner.  I spent some time on the yard, picked up items for the garden, and stuffed and addressed envelopes with Kenzi's graduation announcements.  Trent got home from work with flowers and a cute shirt that reads:  "Mom, Wife, Boss."  He felt bad that he was too busy to talk to me when I called him to talk earlier and wanted me to feel special and loved.  I am so grateful to be able to be home caring for my family.  One of the things I read while on my trip was from Elder Eyring about his father:

"Let me encourage you by telling you a story. It was told to me by my father. He told it with the intent to chuckle at himself. It was a story about his trying to do his duty, just the way you try to do your duty.
Now you have to know a little bit about my father. His name was Henry Eyring, like mine. He had done some of the things students of this university are preparing to be able to do. His work in chemistry was substantial enough to bring the honors some of you will someday have, but he was still a member of a ward of the Church with his duty to do. To appreciate this story, you have to realize that it occurred when he was nearly eighty and had bone cancer. He had bone cancer so badly in his hips that he could hardly move. The pain was great.
Dad was the senior high councilor in his stake with the responsibility for the welfare farm. An assignment was given to weed a field of onions, so Dad assigned himself to go work on the farm.
Dad never told me how hard it was, but I have met several people who were with him that day. I talked to one of them on the phone the other night to check the story. The one I talked to said that he was weeding in the row next to Dad through much of the day. He told me the same thing that others who were there that day have told me. He said that the pain was so great that Dad was pulling himself along on his stomach with his elbows. He couldn’t kneel. The pain was too great for him to kneel. Everyone who has talked to me has remarked how Dad smiled, and laughed, and talked happily with them as they worked in that field of onions.
Now, this is the joke Dad told me on himself, afterward. He said he was there at the end of the day. After all the work was finished and the onions were all weeded, someone asked him, “Henry, good heavens! You didn’t pull those weeds, did you? Those weeds were sprayed two days ago, and they were going to die anyway.”
Dad just roared. He thought that was the funniest thing. He thought it was a great joke on himself. He had worked through the day in the wrong weeds. They had been sprayed and would have died anyway.
When Dad told me this story, I knew how tough it was. So I said to him, “Dad, how could you make a joke out of that? How could you take it so pleasantly?”
He said something to me that I will never forget, and I hope you won’t. He said, “Hal, I wasn’t there for the weeds.”
Now, you’ll be in an onion patch much of your life. So will I. It will be hard to see the powers of heaven magnifying us or our efforts. It may even be hard to see our work being of any value at all. And sometimes our work won’t go well.
But you didn’t come for the weeds. You came for the Savior. And if you pray, and if you choose to be clean, and if you choose to follow God’s servants, you will be able to work and wait long enough to bring down the powers of heaven.
Don’t worry too much about the apparent conflict between your scholarly ambitions and doing your duty to God as a humble Latter-day Saint. Both take diligence and enough humility to endure not having things go your way. But the rewards are far different, far greater.
I was with Dad in the White House in Washington, D.C., the morning he got the National Medal of Science from the president of the United States. I missed the days when he got all the other medals and prizes. But, oh, how I’d like to be with him on the morning he gets the prize he won for his days in the onion patches. He was there to wait on the Lord. And you and I can do that, too. We could wait on the Lord tonight.
I pray that we will, tonight, tomorrow, and on and on. Then maybe we can hear this said of us:
And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end. [Alma 38:2]
My brothers and sisters, tonight I have talked about the little I know about waiting upon the Lord. I have given some examples of prayer, of choosing to be as far on the Lord’s side as you can get, of listening to the Brethren and trying to hear in their voices the voice of the Lord. If you will think about it, you will realize that for me to tell you too many details of what you ought to do is itself not wise, because you should wait upon the Lord to find out for yourself.
Now I would like to tell you what I plan to do. You will each make your own application plan. I have some little cards. I am going to carry with me 2 Nephi 32:9. And the next time I get asked by a bishop or my quorum leader to do something, here is what I am going to try to remember. Could you remember this?
But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul. [2 Nephi 32:9]
Now here is my plan. Next time I decide to do something, I think I will ask in prayer, “Heavenly Father, is this what the Lord would have me do?” And I think I will wait upon the Lord until I know. Then I might say, “Please, while I am working at it, can I remember that I am doing it for the Lord?” I promise you that if you will be patient and diligent, you will have a blessing come to you that you will know that you are doing what the Lord would have you do. And you can be blessed to remember that while you are in that onion patch, you are not there for the weeds. That will be important sometimes when the weeds don’t come out easily. You can feel the approval of God.
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. [Isaiah 40:31]
Dad never got better. He just got worse. So you might say, “Well, he waited upon the Lord, but he couldn’t run and he couldn’t walk.” But that was true only in this life. There will be a day for you and me when, whatever difficulties and limitations we have here, we will have that promise fulfilled for us. We will be lifted up as on eagles’ wings, and it will be those who have waited upon the Lord.
I pray you might know that this is the Church of Jesus Christ. He is the head of it. He is our master. We serve him. We wait upon him. I bear you my testimony that there is a prophet called of God. Those who lead you in the kingdom are called of God.
You can by faithful service wait upon the Lord. I pray that you will do your duty. I promise you that is the path of safety. I pray that God will give you the power that you might do it always, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Henry B. Eyring was the first counselor in the Presiding Bishopric of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when this fireside address was given at Brigham Young University on 30 September 1990.

© Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved.

For the complete talk:  Waiting Upon the Lord

Weddings and Divorces

It has been awhile since I blogged.  My journal writing follows the same pattern.  So much has happened over the past 2 years.  I know we aren't the only ones living a roller coaster.  My best guess is that we all are... but I do believe that we can choose for ourselves but we can't choose our consequences and some of our choices increase or decrease the chances of good or bad consequences.

We try to make choices that increase the chances for good things to happen in our lives.

I have been listening to Stephen R Covey's Third Alternative book on cd.  I have studied relationships for over 30 years - since my first one.  At first it was in an effort to save a marriage and when I finally figured out that nothing I did was going to change my first husband, and long story short, we divorced, I studied relationships in an effort to make the best choice the 2nd time around.  Now in my 20th year of marriage, I still study because we haven't figured it all out.

We have seen couple after couple end marriages - more so from our neighborhood in West Jordan than here.  In the 3 years we have been here, we have not been aware of any couples splitting up and we are actively involved in our church congregation and school and rec teams.

Anyway - Covey tells us that the flight or fight natural man tendency leads to a lot of defensiveness, arguments and emotional wall building.  Third Alternative thinking takes into account that we are different and that we can choose to appreciate our differences and that one person's strengths (whether in a company, family, marriage, etc.) can cancel out another's weaknesses.  When we understand that and are more focused on finding positive synergy (I used to call it a win-win before Covey's book) then we can make that choice rather than the "my way or the highway" approach.

Even knowing this, I still fall into the trap of being defensive when my husband makes a comment that cuts me to the core.  Most of the time, I don't think he means to. ;D

So - the wedding I am referring to in the post title is my 25 year old daughter's.  Ethan has been very vocal about wanting to marry her since last Christmas.  Now that they have been dating 9 months, she is ready and they want to be married before December 1st.   We have two dates - Friday, Nov 16th or Friday, November 30th.  Just waiting to hear if the 16th is for sure available as there is a soft hold on that date at the reception center we all love.  It has been a crazy week of looking at venues, discussing dates, looking at ideas, getting prices... I'm exhausted.

Add to that, my car has been in the shop since Monday so I have been dependent on others for transportation... I don't like being dependent on others.

The divorce I refer to is a couple that lives in our old neighborhood in West Jordan.  Neither of them have compassion for the other or are willing to listen to try to understand where the other is coming from.  Love, the adjective, is the word to describe the feeling that comes when we love, the verb, others.  We love others by serving them.  If you don't feel love for someone then you aren't serving them.  Change that and you almost immediately feel the difference.  It is so sad, because they are both past feeling, and have lost their way and it's the kids that are most effected.

That's all for today!

I'll try to include more because it really has been quite the roller coaster!

Valerie

Honey, I have something to tell you... You're adopted.

This past year has been full of firsts for us.  We have been told by many that we should write a book, or that we would make a good 20/20 documentary.  And sadly, I would have to agree.

Last May, 2016 Trent and I had hopped a plane to Lawton, Oklahoma as soon as we heard that Trent's dad had stopped eating and didn't want to get out of bed as his lung cancer had been progressing.  We were lucky he was still with us 2 years after being diagnosed with his 3rd bout and the visit mentioned in my previous post.

While there, I was trying to keep myself busy with "important" things as the favorite past time of my aged in-laws is watching re-runs of Bonanza, the Waltons, and Golden Girls.  Harold had been the family genealogist and it dawned on me that once he passed, there would be a hole that needed to be filled.  (Harold didn't much appreciate that thought.)  As I was looking at my genealogical file, I realized I had never met anyone from a couple branches of the McLinn family tree.  Uncles Gary and Delmar McLinn had died before I joined the family in 1999.  I asked my mother-in-law, Collene, the name of Gary's wife and children, and she had difficulty remembering.  While searching the internet, I came across an obituary of a cousin who had passed away, one of Uncle Gary's daughters which listed 8 children.  Cousin Patsy, Aunt Colleta's daughter, put me in contact with another of Gary's daughters, Joan.

After returning from Lawton, I called Joan and talked to her briefly.  She said her brother had done some genealogy several years earlier and she would update the information and mail it to me.  Within the week, I had the records, but waited until the Sunday before school got out for the summer to look at them.

It is also important to know that Harold's cancer was progressing.  Trent had told him that when school was out, we would bring the grandchildren out to visit.  Trent asked, "Dad, will you still be here?"  Harold said he would, and so this was also 6 days before we were heading back to Lawton for our final visit with Harold, and 13 days prior to his passing on June 4th, 2016.

I finally found time to sit at the computer and add the information to my personal genealogical records.  I almost didn't look at the Harold Hunt family because after more than 17 years with my husband, I thought I knew his history, but something prompted me to take a look.

I could not believe my eyes when next to my husband's name, was the notation:  "(Adopted)."  I did a double take, blinking a few times and trying to make sense of what I was seeing.  How was this possible?  Trent was 48 years old.  Wouldn't he know if he was adopted by now.  Could this be some mistake?  Was this for real?  What do I do with this information?  Of course, I couldn't keep it from my husband, but this was earth rocking information.

Before I could wrap my head around what I had discovered, Trent called from the other room that dinner was ready.  (I do love that Sunday is his day to cook, but at that moment, food was the furthest thing from my mind.)

After he called out a 2nd time, I collected my papers and thoughts and headed into the kitchen to begin another new, unforeseen adventure with my sweetie!

Seasons of Life spent between hospitals, rehab and assisted living

I am currently experiencing my 5th trip to Oklahoma in the past 9 months.  That is in addition to trips to Seattle, Chicago, Florida and abroad to Italy, France, Spain, Greece and Turkey, Honduras, Belize, and a couple places in Mexico.

For a girl who had not made it out of the state of Utah until age 17 when I went to Elko, Nevada to the horse races with my dad and then a few months later, on a group tour where my claim to being out of the country was a side trip to Tijuana, I think we can now safely say, I am becoming a bit more well traveled than I used to be!

I still marvel that I am as familiar as I am with Lawton, Oklahoma.  I've lost count of the number of trips here over the years!  The last 9 months, I think the majority of my time has been in and out of hospitals, rehab and assisted living facilities.  This trip, we are dividing our time between the Rehab Facility where my father-in-law has been since just after Thanksgiving and the hospital where my mother-in-law was admitted 5 days ago.

It has been at the back of my mind, since my father-in-law was given 6 months to live last October, that when the phone rang, we might need to hop a plane for him.  Last Sunday, when the call came, it was in regards to my mother-in-law due to complications with Congestive Heart Failure.  They are both with us for now, and we are nearing another end to the latest visit.

Home is figuratively calling me.  It takes 6 people to fill in for me in getting my children where they need to be. I'm missing my 11 year old's maturation program - a rite of passage I have always been present  for the older three.  My poor mother filled in for me there, and then is off to deliver to the orthodontist, and pick up two from choir, then piano, and two different dance classes on opposite ends of the valley.  As I give the list to her, I can't deny how insane it is that this my usual chauffeuring schedule.

It looks like my mother-in-law is on the mend from the latest hospitalization and dad is soon to return to the assisted living facility and we will return to our normal day to day life with plans for trip 6 to Oklahoma at the end of school in June.

Until then!

Valerie & Trent

What Teens and those with HFA have in Common

This past Wednesday, I had a full day of conferences - beginning at 8:30 am with Pam Marshalla and a course on Apraxia and Dysarthria and ending at 6:30pm after a two hour class for parents and teachers of students with High Functioning Autism.

Of all the information, the item that I think will have the most life changing effect, was information given in the Autism class.  The presenter asked, what population argues the most - the answer:  "Teenagers and those with Asperger's."  I had to agree with her observation.

She proceeded to point out what we as parents and teachers do to train these kids to do this and I realized, I am so guilty of this.  We start by making a request of our kids.  They stall.  We ask again.  They stall.  We try to reason and point out small consequences.  They try to negotiate, argue, or stall.  We give more serious consequences, they tantrum in one way or another - my teen mostly just gets really angry at me and I think, "Wait a second.  How can she be mad at me.  She knows she should mind and I'm only asking her to clean up her own stuff.  What's up with that?"

The presenter then gave us a script for what we should do.  We are to use it word for word so the child/teen knows what is coming,

It goes like this:

1).  (Name) + (Direction) + "Please."  (E.g., McKenzi, put your dishes in the dishwasher, please.")

2)  Then you wait 3-4 seconds for a child with normal language or 7-10 seconds for a child without normal language skills.

3)  (Name) +" I need you to" + (direction) +"now".  (E.g., McKenzi, I need you to load your dishes now."

4)  Wait time as outlined in #2 above.

5)  (Name) you didn't follow directions.  That means + (consequence).  (E.g., McKenzi, you didn't follow directions.  That means you lose 6 minutes of electronics time).

The consequences are prearranged and with 4-5 hierarchical steps.  (Three is too few and six is too many). These consequences are arranged so that the first offense is the least loss and the last step is the total loss of the item.

It was pointed out that these items don't have to have sugar or cost money.  It is best to take something the child is getting already and have them earn it.

For my family, electronics time was the thing they all had in common, although they each have different electronics that they are more interested in than another. For one it is the Wii, another, TV, and the third, Pinterest on the computer.

They have always been expected to get to  their homework  after getting a snack and half-hour break after school and before play time with friends.  Using this script and the consequence hierarchy, not only helped them get right to it, but also helped with dish duty, fighting siblings, and putting their own items away.  They quickly caught on and didn't want to lose all their time.

It is imperative that once the child has lost time that you not negotiate for them to earn it back.  That will backfire big time.  If you give a child a reward, you should not use that same reward as a consequence they can lose either.

To set up your hierarchy, you basically take the total time you want to give the reward and divide it into 5 steps so that the 5th step is the total loss of the item and the 1st is the least amount of time.

Our electronics time looks like this;

Each school day, the kids get 1 1/2 hours of electronics time.  I basically took the total amount I was okay with and cut it in half each step working backwards.
1st offense:  Lose 6 minutes.
2nd offense:  Lose 12 minutes.
3rd offense:  Lose 23 minutes.
4th offense:  Lose 45 minutes.
5th offense:  Lose whole 1 1/2 hours.

After each offense, you repeat the script starting with #1.  "McKenzi, I need you to put your dishes in the dishwasher, please."  and moving through to step 5 with the consequence begin the 2nd offense.

Children rarely go past the 3rd offense.  Hierarchies work because kids need to have something to save.  When we remove the whole motivating privilege, there is nothing left for them to work for.

Consequences need to be motivating for the student, and not a pain for the adult to give.

At school, my students fill in boxes when they follow the rules.  For example, coming on time, bringing their homework folder, handing me their reinforcer card without being reminded, etc.  I had been subjectively giving them more boxes if they worked hard and didn't need reminders to follow the rules.

After this class, I have now decided to make the reward objective.  They can earn an additional 6 boxes if they follow the rules and each time they don't follow rules, they lose the number of boxes.  Every so often, one of the boxes on the chart has a star on it.  Each time they get to a star, they get to choose a prize.

So far, I've had great results - no arguing and the kids actually obeying very quickly!   The biggest thing I'm worried about now is that I have 2-3 weeks until they teach us what to do in the event that the kid doesn't respond before losing the whole amount.  They say this rarely happens, but in the event it does... stay tuned for my next episode!

Happy Parenting!/Teaching!

Thanksgiving in Hawaii

It has been an amazing 6 days here in Kauai.  I  miss my two adult children, but have had to adjust to them being too busy with jobs and school to join us for more than a couple days of vacation since they each graduated from high school.

The last time they traveled with us, was a year ago last August, when they joined us on a Saturday morning to celebrate my in-laws 60th wedding anniversary in Oklahoma.  We flew home together the following day.  Short, but very sweet.

So - while I'm having a blast with my 3 younger children, I am missing my two grown-up children.  McKenzi did tell me that my Sausage, Cranberry, Macadamia Nut Stuffing (made out of Hawaiian Sweet Bread) was the best she'd ever tasted and she doesn't like stuffing.  That and the key lime pie were my favorite parts, although the turkey was delicious, meat isn't my favorite part of a meal.  I'm wondering if I went vegetarian if I'd lose a few pounds. :D

Anyway, I have had some thoughts as we've been here in the islands.

My first trip to Hawaii was my honeymoon with my ex-husband.  I tend to remember the bad times with him more than the good.  My second, was after my divorce was final and a friend from high school whose divorce started and ended in a matter of days even before mine that had been going on for a year finally came to a close.  She worked for Delta as a Reservations Agent, and invited me to fly with her to Oahu and Maui on a buddy pass.  The entire trip cost me about $65.00 in airfare and $25 per night hotel.  I started then, to make new memories.

This is my 7th trip to the islands with the last 5 being the last 7 years.  Trent loves the islands and traveling as well.  I've been to Kauai 3 times, Maui twice, the Big Island once, and Oahu 6 times.  I'm not counting this trip in the numbers because we never left the airport. 

Trent and I are beginning to feel like we can make a few recommendations to others about things to do.  I think the captain of our catamaran tour on Tuesday was a bit offended that he was making recommendations that were different than his own.  We were open to his suggestions though, so we went to JoJo's Anuenue so we could give it a fair chance compared to Paradise Shave Ice in Hanalei.
https://plus.google.com/101319984777047729616/about?gl=us&hl=en
I had the shave ice with macadamia nut ice cream at both places.  I have to say that I actually liked the Bali Hai Shave Ice at Paradise better, but that any of the Shave Ices at JoJo's Anuenue with their cream beat them all.  They packed more ice in the cup and the price was within a dollar less - they had quite a few more fancy concoctions to try at JoJo's as well.  Our captain told us that JoJo sold her name, but not her secret recipe so you won't get the same Shave Ice anywhere but in Anuenue.
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g60612-d1778594-Reviews-Shave_Ice_Paradise-Hanalei_Kauai_Hawaii.html
I love that we are learning about all the best places in the islands.

Our boat tour was also something worth mentioning.  We sat through the "schpeel" on things to do at our condo twice - guess the free fruit and cinnamon rolls were Wepulled into the little town and boat ramp to see rows of parking for other catamaran companies and loads of people waiting for their tour to begin.  We somehow missed the little run down hut at the back of the parking lot the first couple times through.  After a phone call to our concierge, and a stray glance on my part, I discovered the little hut.  We parked and headed toward the hut.  Imagine our surprise when we found the same Hawaiian mumu clad woman inside the little hut.  Can we all say, "Conflict of Interest"?  At least that is what was screaming out at Trent and I.  Our group was relatively small too - our five, a family of four, two older couples, and a family of three. 

After checking in and the other groups clearing out, we took their place to wait for our captain to arrive.... late.  We were both quite concerned.  I have to admit that I entertained the possibility that Captain Ron (old movie) was going to be piloting our craft and we might be regretting our decision.

When the boat arrived, our mumu lady led us to the dock where we removed our shoes, climbed down the ladder and onto our boat - much smaller than the enormous catamarans the other visitors had previously boarded.

But, I have to say that the tour was amazing.  We passed by dozens of boats snorkeling while we headed straight to the Napali Coastline.  Our captain later told us he had been out surfing already that morning.  He started his company, named after his grandparents back in '69.  His grandparents taught him to read the winds and waves.  He said he knew that we needed to go see the coast while the surf was only 2 feet.  He said this time of year, yes, it is winter in Hawaii too, that the surf is usually more around 20 feet with the waves crashing up 100 feet on the cliff side and the caves unaccessible and even the coastline, not visible due to the crashing waves and steam.  He said they had cancelled the day before, and would probably only get out 7 more times the whole rest of the winter season. 

We felt truly blessed.  Add to that, that on our way, a huge catamaran passed us by speeding along and screaming at a school of porpoises - which we got to swim along with and take some amazing pictures of them just inches from us.

When we stopped to snorkel just before lunch, there was only one other boat there - a small raft that held maybe 6-10 people.  We saw some pretty awesome ocean life.  Makes Trent and I both miss our scuba diving experiences.

We have loved having our younger kids with us - but we will focus on the bickering in July when we celebrate our 15th anniversary on the Mediterranean cruise that is on my bucket list.  Trent asked me what I wanted to do for our honeymoon.  In the end though, he wanted the Sandals Resort in Antigua and since his parents were paying for it - who was I to argue...  plus, I loved Antigua and all the inclusive diving and activities.  It was amazing!

But, when he asked me if I wanted to go back for our 15th anniversary, I said no - I wanted my Mediterranean Cruise - and I think, thanks to Disney, and a really good year at work, it sounds like I will get it!

I love my sweet husband.  He did get upset with me for taking the turkey out because my rolls were ready to bake and it slowed down his turkey progress  - but Thanksgiving dinner was no less tasty because of it, and not that much later in the making,,

Anyway, Trent and I have had an amazing life together.  I feel so sad for those whose marriages are struggling or even failing.  I've been through it myself.  I think that the difference, at least in my experience, has a whole lot to do with the things that Trent and I do to keep the romance alive. 

In my first marriage, I don't think a day went by where he didn't call me some horrible name.  I think because of his own insecurities, he had to keep me in my place, or knock me off my pedestal.  I think asking me why I had to go to college, and couldn't be happy being a "normal" person, meaning someone willing to work as a dispatcher or secretary.   My thinking was I wanted to have options and use my brains, and make more money by the hour.

Besides the name calling, lies, pornography addiction, cheating, foul language and being told how often I could pray, if I could hold a calling, and when I would be able to make covenants based on when he was ready, we had to do the things he enjoyed for entertainment and if I didn't do things the way he wanted, he threatened to find someone else who would.

Trent has loved me continuously for just shy of 15 years.  I am not exaggerating when I say that he does not let a day go by where he doesn't tell me just that and that I am beautiful and how blessed he feels to have me.  I tell him the same, but he usually beats me.  I think there's still a part of me that finds it hard to open up completely.

We love so many things together - but traveling is one of the things that have made our life together so full of amazing memories.  I didn't marry him for money - I made more than he did when we married.  But I knew he had aspirations and believed in himself.  If I'd had my way, we wouldn't have bought our vacation club package for $4000.  We wouldn't be in this beautiful 2 bedroom condo on Kauai just 5 years after our last trip and 3 bedroom condo in the islands.

Now he is wanting to get a timeshare.  Again, I think it would be a waste of money, but if we our completely out of debt, house included, then I won't stand in his way.  That day should be here sooner than I ever thought possible.

It isn't about the amount of money we have - we haven't always had that much - it is more about having our weekly date nights, the sweet little gifts and surprises, the words of affirmation.  Trent is easy to please - I make his favorite meals and give him hugs and kisses and he says that is all he wants - I think he really means it too.  At least, he has never seemed unhappy with me for doing just that after he says that is all he wants.

My family will soon be joining me.  I've had a pulsing headache and stomach upset today - even before Thanksgiving dinner.  I didn't want my family to miss out on the beach and snorkeling because of me so I sent them without me.  Sounds like they found us another amazing beach to try out tomorrow!

I thank God for second chances - and that he prepared someone as awesome as Trent for me!

Love,

Valerie