We found ourselves among 8 other couples also in attendance for the same Gottman workshop - but surprisingly, we were the longest married couple there.
Some of the things I learned:
- In a conflict it takes 8 positives to cancel out a negative.
- In every day intereactions, it takes 20 positives to one negative to fill the love tank.
- The four horseman of the apocalypse, according to Gottman, are:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
- The way a conversation starts is the way it will end. If it starts with criticism and anger, it will end that way too. Soft start-ups when broaching a complaint is the only way to go.
- Love Maps - keeping up with our partner's lives. Trent has spent the last 19 of 20 years not wanting to talk to me about his work day (which incidentally starts early in the morning and often ends after I have gone to bed). He has definitely made an effort to include me the last year and since hearing at this workshop how important it is that he do that, he has been open to giving me something to ask him about.
- Wearing rose colored glasses. We see what we choose to see. We talked about leaving love notes for our spouse describing the things that we appreciate about them and thanking them... NOT for them (although if their love language is words of affirmation it will fill their love tank) but for us, to help us see them in a positive light.
- We need to have each other's backs. Not only do we need to know what each other is going through, they need to feel we are there to support them - even if we think they are getting their just desserts, we don't say it. We empathize with them as they share the hard things they are going through. Trent has struggled with empathy before this workshop - but he now has a list of empathetic responses and is doing a great job of expressing empathy.
- One of the things emphasized in the book is that it is not good (or maybe even really bad) to start solving a problem before both parties feel understood. Trent, being a guy, has been pretty immediate at trying to solve my problems and it makes me pretty mad at times. It was awesome to have the presenters point out that you should never give UNSOLICITED (that is not asked for) advice. If your conversational partner does not ask you what they should do, your advice will be unappreciated and most likely unheeded anyway so don't waste your breath!
There were many other things we learned and activities to do that we can continue to work on. But as we left, we were given a gift - a free book by Emil Harker entitled: You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness - Seven Communication Skills of Successful Marriages. You too can get this free book by visiting Emil's site.
So this last year I have studied (among other things):
- Stephen Covey's: Seven Habits Series
- John & Julie Gottman's Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work
- Emil Harker's Seven Communication Skills of Successful Marriages
I am so excited by what I have learned and after applying the habits, principles and communication skills in my relationships, I can truly say that they work at bringing down contention.
I could say so much more about Communication as that is my field of expertise, but I will save that for another day.
Until next time,
Valerie
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