Lucky Seven?

Trent and I spent last weekend getting a tune-up.  Tomorrow we celebrate 20 years since we said "I do."  As I mentioned  my weekend plans to an interested party, I qualified my plans by saying that after 20 years, a tune-up was a good idea.  Her response:  "That's a good idea for every year of marriage."  I tend to agree.

We found ourselves among 8 other couples also in attendance for the same Gottman workshop - but surprisingly, we were the longest married couple there. 

Some of the things I learned:

• In a conflict it takes 8 positives to cancel out a negative.
• In every day intereactions, it takes 20 positives to one negative to fill the love tank.
• The four horseman of the apocalypse, according to Gottman, are:
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stonewalling

(When Trent asked what you do if you have a Ph.D. in all four, I felt so appreciative that he recognized it in himself.  We had been asked what our go to horseman was - our weapon of choice.  I am guilty mostly of Defensiveness as I feel criticized a lot and I respond with defensiveness and counter criticism and contempt.  Trent agrees that I don't stonewall.  Even if I try to follow his example, I can't help but talk.  This would not be a surprise to the professionals.  Stonewalling is definitely more a man thing than a woman thing.  At least that is what they said!)

• The way a conversation starts is the way it will end.  If it starts with criticism and anger, it will end that way too.  Soft start-ups when broaching a complaint is the only way to go.
• Love Maps - keeping up with our partner's lives.  Trent has spent the last 19 of 20 years not wanting to talk to me about his work day (which incidentally starts early in the morning and often ends after I have gone to bed).  He has definitely made an effort to include me the last year and since hearing at this workshop how important it is that he do that, he has been open to giving me something to ask him about.
• Wearing rose colored glasses.  We see what we choose to see.  We talked about leaving love notes for our spouse describing the things that we appreciate about them and thanking them... NOT for them (although if their love language is words of affirmation it will fill their love tank) but for us, to help us see them in a positive light.
• We need to have each other's backs.  Not only do we need to know what each other is going through, they need to feel we are there to support them - even if we think they are getting their just desserts, we don't say it.  We empathize with them as they share the hard things they are going through.  Trent has struggled with empathy before this workshop - but he now has a list of empathetic responses and is doing a great job of expressing empathy.

• One of the things emphasized in the book is that it is not good (or maybe even really bad) to start solving a problem before both parties feel understood.  Trent, being a guy, has been pretty immediate at trying to solve my problems and it makes me pretty mad at times.  It was awesome to have the presenters point out that you should never give UNSOLICITED (that is not asked for) advice.  If your conversational partner does not ask you what they should do, your advice will be unappreciated and most likely unheeded anyway so don't waste your breath!

There were many other things we learned and activities to do that we can continue to work on.  But as we left, we were given a gift - a free book by Emil Harker entitled:  You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness - Seven Communication Skills of Successful Marriages.  You too can get this free book by visiting Emil's site.  

So this last year I have studied (among other things):

• Stephen Covey's:  Seven Habits Series
• John & Julie Gottman's Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work 
• Emil Harker's Seven Communication Skills of Successful Marriages

I am so excited by what I have learned and after applying the habits, principles and communication skills in my relationships, I can truly say that they work at bringing down contention.

I could say so much more about Communication as that is my field of expertise, but I will save that for another day.

Until next time,

Valerie

Time for a Twenty Year Check up

As my sweetie and I approach our 20 year wedding anniversary in a few weeks and have passed a lot of other 20 year anniversaries in the past 6 months:  (First Date, First Kiss, First Trip, First almost Elopement, First Fight, etc.) I have been looking at where we have been, where we are and where we are going.  What do we have to show for this past 20 years?

We have raised three kids to adult hood - when Trent and I married, my two children from my first marriage were 6 and 8 years old.  Add twenty years to that number!  We then added three more children to our family and recently saw the oldest graduate from high school and will soon be helping her move out as she begins her college years.

The realization that we only have five years to go before we are empty nesters makes me want to grab hold of my 12 and 15 year olds and never let them go!  They will be having milestone birthdays in less than 2 months!  What amazing girls they are!  All of our children, including our recently added son in-law make us very proud.  We look forward to adding another generation to our family tree in December with the expected arrival of our first grandchild - with the recent ultrasound indicating a boy on the way, it feels more and more real.

But back to my checkup - marriage is hard - at least making sure you are both happy, keeping the romance alive, and not losing yourself in the process.  I had been feeling like we were in a rut, that I had in many ways sacrificed my dreams to raise my children all the while supporting my husband while he actively pursued his with my support.  I don't regret being a stay at home mom for the 15 of the past 20 years.  In fact, after going back to work for 3 years, I was thrilled to be able to quit work and just be at home.  Sometimes it seems the kids take me for granted and expect that I make their school lunches, breakfasts and dinners, bring their forgotten items, and run them to and fro, but I am so glad that I can be there for them.  I trust that they will appreciate me when it's their turn - and just in case, I tell them on a probably too regular (at least for them) basis that they will appreciate me when they become mothers.

In this state of mind, I started looking through the recommended relationship advice books for information to help have the best of marriages and came across the Gottman's book:  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. and have just finished reading both.  I have only been able to share a small part with my hubby.  He does not like to read and has very little time to give me... hence chapter 1 in Ten Lessons:  "All You Ever Do Is Work" really caught my attention.  Ten lessons uses the principles in the first book, but also gives dialogue before and after couples received direction from the Gottman's on how to discuss heated areas differently.  It made me so much more aware of the negative things my hubby and I do when working through conflict.  The Gottman's point out that it is common for all of us to do those things, but when we do them regularly, we get caught in a "negative sentiment override" where we lose sight of all the positives about each other and quickly assume the worst about our spouse when we have these discussions. 

As Trent and I have made an effort to first understand each other's feelings about the issue before beginning to problem solve, and to discuss the issues without getting defensive about things that are said - by looking for our partner's longing in the message rather than feeling criticized or attacked (even when we may be getting criticized) we can quickly turn the argument around. 

The Gottman's say they can tell the outcome of an argument in the first 3 minutes depending on how the issue is presented - was a soft start-up used or a harsh one and whether the 4 horsemen were present (defensiveness, criticism, disdain towards the partner and stonewalling - refusing to listen to your partner).  They also say that when "flooding" occurs - they don't use these words, but when the logical brain turns off because fight or flight kicks in as evidenced by biological changes (increased heart rate, adrenaline, etc. then it's time to take at least a 20 minute break to become calm and rational again.  We need to be able to tell our partner's we are flooded and allow our partners that time to calm down.  If we can do these things, we can better deal with conflict.

That is not all - we need to know and support our partner's dreams, appreciate the great things about our partners, etc.

I have tried to apply these principles and am excited for our upcoming Gottman workshop where Trent might also get more involved in this process.  He did say something about finding a mp3 audio of the book that he might listen to.  He asked if he should wait until the workshop or get it now.  Since I have already read the books, I think it would be awesome to have him join me in this!

I find it very fitting that the weekend before our 20 year anniversary, we will be at the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work in Draper Utah.  I'll let you know what positive changes I see in our marriage - and what positive changes I see as I share the info with my children... we learn how to relate to our future spouses in our families.  Maybe I am not too late to teach them so that they can have happier marriages.

Valerie

Another Milestone passed

This late am, I drove our newly graduated daughter, Kenzi, to a friends that she will be traveling with for 10 days.  It isn't as independently adventurous as it sounds.  She is traveling with her friend's parents and siblings.  But it will be a lot of fun for her and it is the longest we have been apart since she was conceived.

I had a chance to talk to Kenzi yesterday, before graduation.  I told her, "Our goal as parents was to raise a daughter who was not entitled, who worked hard,  knew the value of money and how to spend it carefully and save it."  I told her that we had more than accomplished that.  I also mentioned that she probably won't realize that we had anything to do with it until she is a parent of her own children. 

The spirit testified to me this earlier in the day as I was pondering that Kenzi thinks we have done nothing for her.  She doesn't realize all that we have done because her expectations that we should be doing more have everything to do with her friends having so much handed to them without having to work for it.  She brought up the same friend she is traveling with, has a free trip, a free new car her parents gave her, clothes and hair color and lashes, etc.

We gave her $1200 cash for graduation that she could spend on what she wanted... but she paid $1200 earlier in the year for a lap top because she did not want to wait.  And she paid $600 to go on this trip.  We bought a new car for Trent so Kenzi could have a car to drive, but Trent did not want to give it to her - and when I brought it up, Kenzi said she didn't want it either, because it isn't what she wants.

Regardless, Kenzi is amazing and will succeed in what she decides.  It was nice to have a moment yesterday to share my thoughts with her.  And to put it on the blog today before I forget.

Graduation is worth the Grind

So yesterday was the first event to lead up to the actual big day:  Thursday, May 30th, when Kenzi graduates from Skyridge High School.

I had asked Kenzi over a month ago if she worked Memorial Weekend.  She did not.  I then suggested we have a girl's date including getting mani pedis with her sisters to get ready for graduation and she agreed to keep the day open.  I then updated Chalyse as we had discussed the possibility of doing a surprise party and sent out invitations through Facebook events with people arriving at 11:45 am and our showing up after our mani pedis at noon.

I then went to England/Scotland on my 10 day trip  and returned home only to have Kenzi tell me that she had taken a shift at work on Saturday from 11 to 5pm and that I had never told her to keep the day open.   I asked her to trade the shift to no avail.  She said she was shadowing her only time prior to working independently as a Head Guard at the Lehi Outdoor Pool.  So - since she wasn't willing, I changed the time to 5 pm and sent out emails and texts to everyone after updating the event.  I was thinking she would arrive home from work and we would yell surprise.  But, a few hours later, she told me I was wrong and that she was not off at 5pm, but 3pm.  (Apparently, they work until 5pm if the facility is reserved for a late night party and the evening shift is consequently longer.  Otherwise, they are off at 3pm - something that was pointed out to me after I questioned the "misunderstanding.")  Meanwhile, in talking to Chalyse, she let me know that she also had talked to Kenzi about the mani pedis in the morning from our first plan and that I definitely had talked to Kenzi and she definitely had committed to our plan...  See why I may be on the verge of insanity here?

Anyway, Kenzi suggested going for mani pedis after she was off at 3pm and I quickly realized this could make for plan C to fill in the two hour difference from my most recent Evite.  I scheduled 5 mani pedis at a salon in Highland for 3:30pm and then got back to Kenzi telling her 3:15 was the time so she would need to take a change of clothes and go straight from work and not chance coming home and seeing our party preparations.  But after talking with Chalyse, she didn't want to take chances of Kenzi coming home on her own.  She called Kenzi and told her she would pick her up from work and they would go straight to the salon.

The other thing that I did to prepare for the party (besides the shopping for food items, and decor, I talked to Kenzi about her gift.  We had agreed earlier in the year to give her cash because she wanted a new laptop and didn't want to wait.  Because we are not raising entitled prima donnas, but children who understand that they need to work for what they want, we told her she could purchase a computer herself then and and then for graduation we would give her money. We would have given her a laptop as a gift as she headed off to college or money towards a Senior trip possibly.  I got $1200 cash (which is $100 for 1st-12th grades) and then remembered our family tradition...

My mom was given a cedar chest for graduation as was I.  We gave Chalyse a cedar chest as well.  So I found a cedar chest for $50 and got it for Kenzi, placing the cash inside.

Trent had the cedar chest in the basement with the guests waiting to surprise her.  It worked like a charm and she had no clue.  She said we deserved academy awards for our acting as we kept throwing around ideas for dinner after mani pedis and the need to go pick up Ethan and Dad - but first needing Kenzi to take a look at the gift we had got her in the basement.

We had lots of our family friends present, and my parents, Lisa and Deb had driven out from Oklahoma, Pete and Angie had flown in from Spokane Friday and we had spent the evening at their hotel having pizza and playing Phase 10 (a card game).

I got her the cutest graduation cake.  She was touched that her friend's mom came, but hurt that her friend, who had been iffy on going to St. George, opted to go with another friend in their group instead of coming to the party.  She did send out a group chat inviting their friends to come.   I had asked Tyra, a Jr. and swim team member who had offered to help me put together the swim team slide show, to spread the word.  She did and came herself.  One other team member showed up after he got off work.  Otherwise, no other friends came.

It makes me sad for her, but I can relate.  She is a lot like me.  We are pretty particular about who we let in to our hearts, not wanting to be hurt.  Because of that, we don't have tons of friends, but a few closer ones.  And her few closer ones aren't acting like very good friends - there are numerous examples of things that have been done and said that don't leave much room for confusion because I would totally want to give the benefit of the doubt and when I have suggested this to her, she has proceeded to give me more examples that refute my reasoning.

Anyway, love my family and love that we pulled off a successful surprise party and that we had lots of loved ones come.  Their presence was so appreciated!

Valerie

The Daily Grind

So much of what we do day in and out is exhausting... Some times you have to think hard to find the beauty of life - especially after almost a solid month of rain - which is not typical of Utah.   But despite the gray skies and difficulty getting my garden planted, I am grateful for the cold temperatures that mean melting snow won't flood the valleys, that we will have the water we need and that the summer forest fires of recent past, may not be seen this coming year.

We are experiencing the final days of the school year.  In another week, I will have more adult children graduated from high school than still at home.  I will also only have 4 more years of schooling before we are empty nesters.

I was listening to Trace Adkins:  "You're going to miss this"  yesterday.  Made me cry - because it's so true and as I gear up for graduation events for Kenzi, and listen to Chalyse share her excitement at being newly married in her new home and thinking of future babies, it really hits home.

We have mani-pedi's scheduled for we girls tomorrow and I hope a fun day with family and friends.  Hoping lots of friends!

Family!

A renewed investment

I just returned from 11 days in Northern England and Scotland.  The 2nd trip (2017) there in addition to a trip to Southern England (2016) with my son, Steven and my mom.  We visited locations that our ancestors had lived, been baptized, married, and died as well as Etzel Castle, once owned by the Lindsays. 

I encouraged Steven to start blogging as he has so much information about history, geography, and in particular the United Kingdom and WW II.  I spent the time while we were traveling, in the back seat while I let my mom take the navigator seat to help Steven as he drove.  I read or listened to books including "Insights" about President Nielsen, a biography on Elder Eyring, "Isaiah for Dummies" by John Bytheway, and a bit of a book by Virginia Pearce.  I felt that I pondered and replenished my spirit.

I have struggled to keep a journal consistently.  Then after suggesting Steven blog, I thought with Kenzi graduating and moving out to go to college in a few months, Chalyse married and a baby on the way and Steven out on his own, and hopefully blogging, I thought why not set up pages for each of the kids so that we can share info as our family changes and grows.

I don't like being on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I'm back in high school.
So with that intro - here is my journal of today's events.  I think the posts will be daily, but succinct:

Today, I stocked us up on groceries, made CSE shakes for breakfast and CSE chowder for dinner.  I spent some time on the yard, picked up items for the garden, and stuffed and addressed envelopes with Kenzi's graduation announcements.  Trent got home from work with flowers and a cute shirt that reads:  "Mom, Wife, Boss."  He felt bad that he was too busy to talk to me when I called him to talk earlier and wanted me to feel special and loved.  I am so grateful to be able to be home caring for my family.  One of the things I read while on my trip was from Elder Eyring about his father:

"Let me encourage you by telling you a story. It was told to me by my father. He told it with the intent to chuckle at himself. It was a story about his trying to do his duty, just the way you try to do your duty.
Now you have to know a little bit about my father. His name was Henry Eyring, like mine. He had done some of the things students of this university are preparing to be able to do. His work in chemistry was substantial enough to bring the honors some of you will someday have, but he was still a member of a ward of the Church with his duty to do. To appreciate this story, you have to realize that it occurred when he was nearly eighty and had bone cancer. He had bone cancer so badly in his hips that he could hardly move. The pain was great.
Dad was the senior high councilor in his stake with the responsibility for the welfare farm. An assignment was given to weed a field of onions, so Dad assigned himself to go work on the farm.
Dad never told me how hard it was, but I have met several people who were with him that day. I talked to one of them on the phone the other night to check the story. The one I talked to said that he was weeding in the row next to Dad through much of the day. He told me the same thing that others who were there that day have told me. He said that the pain was so great that Dad was pulling himself along on his stomach with his elbows. He couldn’t kneel. The pain was too great for him to kneel. Everyone who has talked to me has remarked how Dad smiled, and laughed, and talked happily with them as they worked in that field of onions.
Now, this is the joke Dad told me on himself, afterward. He said he was there at the end of the day. After all the work was finished and the onions were all weeded, someone asked him, “Henry, good heavens! You didn’t pull those weeds, did you? Those weeds were sprayed two days ago, and they were going to die anyway.”
Dad just roared. He thought that was the funniest thing. He thought it was a great joke on himself. He had worked through the day in the wrong weeds. They had been sprayed and would have died anyway.
When Dad told me this story, I knew how tough it was. So I said to him, “Dad, how could you make a joke out of that? How could you take it so pleasantly?”
He said something to me that I will never forget, and I hope you won’t. He said, “Hal, I wasn’t there for the weeds.”
Now, you’ll be in an onion patch much of your life. So will I. It will be hard to see the powers of heaven magnifying us or our efforts. It may even be hard to see our work being of any value at all. And sometimes our work won’t go well.
But you didn’t come for the weeds. You came for the Savior. And if you pray, and if you choose to be clean, and if you choose to follow God’s servants, you will be able to work and wait long enough to bring down the powers of heaven.
Don’t worry too much about the apparent conflict between your scholarly ambitions and doing your duty to God as a humble Latter-day Saint. Both take diligence and enough humility to endure not having things go your way. But the rewards are far different, far greater.
I was with Dad in the White House in Washington, D.C., the morning he got the National Medal of Science from the president of the United States. I missed the days when he got all the other medals and prizes. But, oh, how I’d like to be with him on the morning he gets the prize he won for his days in the onion patches. He was there to wait on the Lord. And you and I can do that, too. We could wait on the Lord tonight.
I pray that we will, tonight, tomorrow, and on and on. Then maybe we can hear this said of us:
And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end. [Alma 38:2]
My brothers and sisters, tonight I have talked about the little I know about waiting upon the Lord. I have given some examples of prayer, of choosing to be as far on the Lord’s side as you can get, of listening to the Brethren and trying to hear in their voices the voice of the Lord. If you will think about it, you will realize that for me to tell you too many details of what you ought to do is itself not wise, because you should wait upon the Lord to find out for yourself.
Now I would like to tell you what I plan to do. You will each make your own application plan. I have some little cards. I am going to carry with me 2 Nephi 32:9. And the next time I get asked by a bishop or my quorum leader to do something, here is what I am going to try to remember. Could you remember this?
But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul. [2 Nephi 32:9]
Now here is my plan. Next time I decide to do something, I think I will ask in prayer, “Heavenly Father, is this what the Lord would have me do?” And I think I will wait upon the Lord until I know. Then I might say, “Please, while I am working at it, can I remember that I am doing it for the Lord?” I promise you that if you will be patient and diligent, you will have a blessing come to you that you will know that you are doing what the Lord would have you do. And you can be blessed to remember that while you are in that onion patch, you are not there for the weeds. That will be important sometimes when the weeds don’t come out easily. You can feel the approval of God.
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. [Isaiah 40:31]
Dad never got better. He just got worse. So you might say, “Well, he waited upon the Lord, but he couldn’t run and he couldn’t walk.” But that was true only in this life. There will be a day for you and me when, whatever difficulties and limitations we have here, we will have that promise fulfilled for us. We will be lifted up as on eagles’ wings, and it will be those who have waited upon the Lord.
I pray you might know that this is the Church of Jesus Christ. He is the head of it. He is our master. We serve him. We wait upon him. I bear you my testimony that there is a prophet called of God. Those who lead you in the kingdom are called of God.
You can by faithful service wait upon the Lord. I pray that you will do your duty. I promise you that is the path of safety. I pray that God will give you the power that you might do it always, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Henry B. Eyring was the first counselor in the Presiding Bishopric of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when this fireside address was given at Brigham Young University on 30 September 1990.

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For the complete talk:  Waiting Upon the Lord